Hospital Visitation
by Happily Melancholy
Summary: A freak experiment goes wrong and the effects land Mayuri Kurotsuchi in the 4th division's medical wing. I wonder who will come to visit... Take a chance and read it. You just might like it.
1. Tea and Explosions

Wow I have been gone for a long time. It's nice to be back on here writing and reading again. My new thing is Bleach, so I decided why not have a crack at writing a fic for it. Also I didn't see many good Mayuri stories around so I'm hoping to add to his range of fics. I mean no one can be a mean, evil, daughter slapping scientist all the time can they? So try to see Mayuri in a new light and get a few laughs at the same time. Enjoy!

"Data implant number 47263. Over the past few weeks my laboratory comrades and I have been developing a weapon that destroys spiritual energy. Coded now as Beta-S, the bomb has been tested and has shown great promise in causing extreme damage, if not destruction to beings with high levels of spiritual power. I have of course produced safety perimeters for the shinigami of Soul Society, but foreign reishi has no protection and will be targeted immediately. Many of the compounds used to produce the bomb are incredibly sensitive to atmospheric influences, causing random explosions when exposed to the surrounding air. To prevent casualties and accidental harm, the Captain-Commander has ordered that my team and I to relocate to a testing facility outside of Seireitei bounds. With my best staff to assist me...Rin, where did you get that cake? There is no eating allowed in the lab you foolish boy!" There was a flicker on the camera screen as Rin ran head first into Nemu, making the young woman drop the data recorder. The camera flickered back into focus, the screen projecting the increasing amount of anger passing over Mayuri Kurotsuchi's features.

"Sorry Captain Kurotsuchi." Rin replied as he ran out of harm's way, kicking the poor data recorder along the way.

"Stupid boy!" Mayuri turned to look at his other assistant only to find the man without his lab coat.

"Akon where is your lab coat?"

"In the washer Captain."

"In the washer?"

"Yes." Mayuri screamed internally.

"Why Akon?"

"Rin spilled a soft drink on it." What was he thinking? These people weren't his best staff, they were all morons.

"There are dangerous materials surrounding us, materials that could possibly kill us, and none of you are being serious about it!"

"Our apologies Captain." Mayuri stalked over to his daughter and grabbed her roughly by the upper arm. Nemu flinched but remained still, now was not the time to anger her Captain further. Mayuri spoke calmly to his subordinates, afraid that his temper would cause him to do something drastic, like kill them all.

"Nemu is the only one that is doing as she should be. She seems to have enough common sense to understand the circumstances under which we work...and I call her stupid." Mayuri arched his eyebrow hoping that the message would click in his subordinates' heads, but was disappointed when Rin stopped to look at him, his hand holding a melting popsicle.

"What is the matter with you? Are you missing brain cells boy, I said no-"

"Captain I think our main computer has a virus."

"Virus- What! How did that happen?"

"I was..."

"Akon was looking at scantily clad women Mayuri-sama."

"You used my computer to look at pornographic material?"

"It was only pictures Cap-"

"Captain I think the bomb schematics were erased by mistake. I thought they were a recipe for a drink and I-"

"Are you serious! Is there something in the air!" This was too much, too much even for him. Throwing sanity to the wind, Mayuri's anger skyrocketed through the roof. "When we return to our headquarters, you all will give me your squad titles! I want every single one of them on my desk!"

"But why Captain?"

"Did you question me boy?! You are in enough trouble, so I would suggest that you shut your mouth and remain quiet."

"Sorry Captain." Rin said softly around a lollipop.

"You will all be demoted to test subjects upon our return to the squad camp. It seems to be the only thing that any of you are good for."

"But Captain-"

"Are you still speaking?"

"No Sir."

"I thought not." Before the 12th division captain could turn his back, he saw Rin's hand shoot into the air.

"What?" Rin removed the lollipop and addressed his captain.

"Instead of a test subject, can I be one of the lab cleaner techs. I-"

"It wasn't a choice you moron. As a matter of fact I think you'll be the first in line for my experiment on pain."

"Are you sure I can't choose something else? I can do product disposal-"

"No!" Mayuri ground his teeth and sat down behind one of the many lab tables present in the room. Silently counting to ten, Mayuri closed his eyes and tried to relax, but the shuffle of hesitant feet intermingled with his steadying breaths, pulling his attention away.

"Captain, you should relax a little. I saw some tea, how about a little to clear your head?"

"I said no-"

"Eating in the lab, I know, but I think the tea would help you calm down a bit and release some of the stress. I just can't understand where all it could be coming from." Mayuri looked at the boy slowly, his eyes moving to rest on his throat. 'Asylum be damned.' Mayuri suddenly reached out for the young man's throat, but missed as his assistant dodged the attack and quickly darted off to the back of the laboratory to get the aforementioned tea. The frustrated captain sighed and ran his palm down the front of his face. After a few minutes of breathing with no effect on his mindset or blood pressure, Mayuri shuffled over to the data cam, picked it up and gave it to his daughter.

"We shall resume recording when I have gathered my thoughts and these imbeciles..." Rin's previous statement soon dawned on Mayuri, causing him to question the two others in the room.

"Akon did you bring tea?"

" No Captain."

"Nemu?"

"No Mayuri-sama." Rin returned from the back of the lab with a kettle of boiling water, four small teacups and a teapot on a makeshift serving tray. Inside the teapot, held by a fine wire basket, looked to be dried tea.

"Since we aren't doing anything right now, I figured we could prepare the tea here." Rin said quietly. Mayuri looked at the tea with suspicion, his thoughts moving a mile a minute. 'That leafy mixture looks extremely familiar. Why can't I recall where I have seen it.' So while Mayuri's subconscious processed past the underlying warning of 'Get the hell out.', Nemu had already identified the contents of the basket and tugged softly on her captain's robe. Mayuri decided, however, that today he would ignore the subtle warnings of survival and let his curiosity take over. Not a very intelligent choice, but a choice nonetheless. Maybe if he had been paying attention he would have noticed Nemu calculating the time it would take for her to reach the exit before the explosion consumed the entire building.

The silent air was pierced by Isane's scream as she woke up from another one of her nightmares, this one consisting of attacking radishes sumo wrestler belts, martian crabs choosing Earth as their next battleground and talking sushi waving the American flag. Isane swallowed deep gulps of air as the breeze from her window made her shiver. The young woman got out of the bed and began pacing steadily around the room, her pace increasing with every step.

"I need to talk to someone. Maybe Captain Unohana is awake." Isane spoke to herself. She battled with herself about disturbing her captain, but reminded herself that Captain Unohana was usually up anyway, so it would really hurt to try. Exiting her room with more stealth than she usually harbored, Isane walked slowly down the hall toward her captain's room. Isane passed several storage closets and was about to continue past the gardens when she heard her captain call her name.

"Come sit." Isane stepped out onto the landing and sat next to her captain. Her captain lazily drinking the tea in her hands, turned slightly to focus on her. "Another dream?

"Yes Ma'am." Unohana looked toward the sky, speaking softly.

"The sky is beautiful tonight."

"It is." Isane glanced up to the sky and watched as the stars mimicked small blinking lights.

"Perhaps it would be even more beautiful at another location. How about a quick stroll through the Seireitei?." Isane smiled and stood beside her captain, Unohana's robes shuffling as she began to stand. Stepping off the landing and into the hall, Unohana stopped abruptly and turned to her vice-captain to give a most curious order. "Isane please prepare a stretcher."

"Forgive me Captain, but why do we need a stretcher?"

"I have a strange feeling that one will be needed."

Mayuri's brain was still stuck in a slosh as to what the contents inside the wire basket were, but he decided to be useful and help his brain be more productive with helping him remember. A few questions here, a few answers there ,might just help him out of the memory ditch he was currently in.

"Rin, where did you get this tea?" The small assistant set a lacquered teacup in front of everyone and faced his captain.

"Mayuri-sama, we should ..." Nemu said quietly.

"Quiet silly girl."

"Yes Mayuri-sama." With that said Nemu slowly moved away from the small table, inching steadily toward the entrance of the laboratory, and remained there. Mayuri eyed the girl, but thought that Nemu was avoiding him so she wouldn't upset him. Mayuri dismissed his daughter's antics and returned his attention to Rin.

"It was over there, next to some beakers." Rin pointed to some off and unknown corner of mystery and continued to explain. "It was in the kitchen area and the label on it said TEA . It smelled nice, really light and refreshing, so I thought that we should have some. It would seem to be the perfect-"

"Yes, yes, yes...next to beakers you say?"

"Yes Captain." Mayuri and Akon exchanged glances and Rin picked up the tea kettle, preparing to fill the cups of everyone present. A gust of wind entered the room and Mayuri couldn't find Nemu anywhere.

"That's odd..." Then it finally clicked "Rin don't pour that water!"

Drinking was the best way to relax, just ask the 11th division. They were currently coming from one of the many pubs found in Rukongai, drinking songs and perverse jokes polluting the local air. Nothing better than some warm sake and a good fight to make a good day better. Half of the 11th division sported some type of injury and for those that didn't, they were unbelievably drunk and falling out with each passing step. Sitting on the shoulders of the captain and cradling a sippy cup of apple juice, Yachiru squealed with delight at the pretty colors lighting the obsidian sky.

"Oooh Kenny, look at the fireworks!" The small girl voiced, as the 11th division captain followed her extended index finger.

"No reason for fireworks to be goin' off. What the hell's goin' on?" Captain Zaraki turned just in time to see a new series of fireworks explode into the air.

"Look Kenny, a blue one, and a orange one, and a green one... hey there are even some screaming ones too." By now the captain, vice-captain, third seat and fifth seat had begun to run toward the night time explosions, the adults with the intent of figuring out the cause and Yachiru with the intent of setting a few off herself. Upon reaching a reasonable distance from the origins of the fireworks, Ikkaku noticed something.

"Hey isn't that the new lab that the 12th division built a few weeks back?" Zaraki squinted and exhaled loudly.

"Aww hell 'Chiru. Those ain't no fireworks. Those stupid bastards of the 12th division probably messed up somethin' again. Told Kurotsuchi to lay off all that scientific shit. He don't ever listen though." Yachiru either wasn't paying attention or she was totally ignoring the fact that was stated, but she jumped off of Zaraki's shoulders and squealed again.

"The fireworks are moving Featherbrow. Maybe we can get Bozoface to make us some like that." Yumichika, the one and only member of the division that was neither drunk nor bloodied, paused in applying some lip gloss and shielded his eyes to get a better look.

"Vice-Captain, call me crazy, but those fireworks actually look like... flaming shinigami robes and those screams sound like... actual... people... screaming." Zaraki's eyes widened as he recognized the 12th division's insignia on one of the running "fireworks".

"Shit! The crazy fucker has set himself on fire!"

Where to go. They were miles away from the Seireitei, there was no one within miles and he was burning. And burning was not fun. It truly was not. So maybe he had been a little stupid back there for not testing the tea first, but come on who puts stuff like that next to the stove. Anyone could have made that mistake... nope he was lying to himself. Now that he thought about it, he remembered putting the bomb mixture there himself with the thought that no one would be stupid enough to mistake the bomb mixture for tea even though the side of the container said TEA(Test Explosion Amount). He never expected to make the blunder himself, but here he was, burning because of his mistake. Captain Kurotsuchi was going to kill him. If he was lucky the man would kill him quickly, buuuut knowing his captain that was not going to happen. Oh well he might as well make the best of it and try to live for the time being, he might get a surprise warning and the removal of one important organ. He could live with that. Unless it was his heart, but last time he check his captain could make those, so maybe he would be okay. Yeah, so what...oh yeah putting the fire out.

"Put me out! Put me out! Put me out!" Rin screamed as he ran toward Akon, who was currently getting doused with a fire extinguisher courtesy of Ikkaku. Hearing the screams, Ikkaku turned the device onto the smaller man and pushed out more of the white substance. "Burning, burning, burning...ahhhh" The last of the flames had been extinguished and Rin lay limp next to Akon, is body twitching ever so often. Akon being the harbinger of bad news turned to his colleague and looked him up and down.

"When the captain returns you know he is going to kill you right?"

"I've thought about it."

"Your death will be slow and painful."

"I expect that as well."

"He might not even label your jar."

"Thank you Akon. As if thinking about what the captain was going to do to me on my own wasn't bad enough, you have to add your thoughts as well."

"Yep." Rin huffed and kicked at the other man.

"Speaking of which, where is the captain?"

"Last time I checked Vice-Captain Kurotsuchi was trying to snuff out the flames on the Captain's robes."

"Oh." After a few minutes of complete silence passed Akon turned to his comrade again.

"I suggest you get your affairs in order because once he gets hold of the regeneration serum-"

"Akon!"

She tried to warn him, she really did, but Mayuri-sama seemed to have a problem listening. Maybe the shells of ears did contribute to hearing. Maybe she would ask Mayuri-sama to consider reattaching his. It had been more than three minutes and she was still trying to calm her captain down enough to subdue him. Those flames must have been incredibly hot, not that her captain's constant screaming, flailing arms and attempts to put the fire out didn't alert her to this. Her creator was extremely resilient and would be fine once she administered the regeneration serum to him. That's if she could catch him and if he didn't make matters worse by doing something incredibly brainless. Like something that was happening at that very moment.

"Mayuri-sama! Please do not run toward the central fountain! You are emblazoned in a chemical fire and water..." BOOM. "...will not help." Nemu whispered toward the end. Deciding to not make her creator more angry by having to attend to her personal wounds as well, Nemu looked for the closest shelter and protected her body against the wave of debris that she knew would come. When the small shockwave subsided and the larger pieces of debris had fallen to the ground, Nemu looked around to survey the damage. There was no longer a city fountain; the Captain Commander would not be pleased, a few small buildings had been destroyed and... her captain was still on fire.

"Mayuri-sama remain there." Nemu ran to her captain, all the while pulling out a small bag from her robes.

"Nemu, it's hot! Extinguish the flames you stupid girl." The 12th division captain waved his arms wildly as Nemu cornered him against a wall and began to throw a fire retardant on him. After a few seconds the fire subsided and Mayuri crumbled to the ground with a heavy thud, small wisps of smoke floating from his body.

"My apologies Mayuri-sama." Unknown to the captain and vice-captain, a large crowd had began to gather. They were not surprised by the situation, but only wanted to know what or whom had been affected by the 12th division's latest mishap. Captains from the other squads looked down upon the duo and shook their heads. Nemu ignored the crowd and focused on her father. "Mayuri-sama are you okay?"

"The pain, it hurts. It hurts so much."

"My apologies, I shall give you the regeneration serum now." Nemu reached into her robes and pulled out a small, glass vial filled with a light green substance.

"Here Mayuri-" A gentle hand touched her shoulder and Nemu looked up to see the 4th division's captain.

"Nemu I think that a few days in the 4th division will do just fine for your captain. No need to waste the serum on injuries that the healers can do over a period of days."

"But Captain Unohana, Mayuri-sama can be completely healed within a period of hours if he is given the serum."

"Yes that is true, but I think that he needs a little rest and some time to recuperate."

"But-"

"We need time to recuperate." A motherly smile graced Unohana's visage and Nemu knew immediately that the conversation had ended.

"Yes Ma'am." Mayuri looked at the conversation in horror. There was no way he was ending up in the 4th division's hospital, he had to get that serum.

"No you stupid girl. Give me the serum. That is an order."

"Yes Mayuri-sama." Nemu lifted the vial once again to give it to her creator, but before she could even put it within his reach, the vial was swiftly taken from her grasp.

"I must really insist that you return to the 4th division Captain Kurotsuchi and given the circumstances my command overrides yours." Unohana once again gave her trademark smile and put the vial in one of the many pockets of her captain's uniform. Mayuri shivered slightly and grabbed for Nemu. Finally getting a hold of his vice-captain's wrist, he pulled her to him.

"Do not let her take me. She will hurt me. I know it."

"I do not think-"

"I do not remember asking you to think."

"My apologies Captain, but I believe she will give you the utmost care-"

"I didn't ask you to believe either." Nemu frowned down at her captain and sighed. He could be so childish at times. "Nemu, take me back to the squad's headquarters. If I am left under Unohana's care she will..."

"I'll what, Captain." Unohana spoke lightly as she pushed Mayuri back to lie flush with the ground. Mayuri's eyes looked to his vice-captain and pleaded.

"Mayuri-sama wishes to return-" Unohana's hand tightened on Nemu's shoulder and she promptly closed her mouth. Mayuri looked as if someone had sentenced him to an all expenses paid vacation to hell.

"So the 4th division?" Mayuri shuddered at the thought, but finally gave in to the woman.

"Yes."

"You have made a excellent decision." 'Not much of a choice you sneaky cow.' Mayuri mused as some random soul reapers placed him on the stretcher Unohana had brought along. Nemu stood to place herself near the hospital bed and looked down at her creator.

"Mayuri-sama it is not so bad-" A glare and the girl immediately lowered her eyes. "My apologies."

"Stupid girl. I wasted a soul-." Mayuri looked up sharply at Unohana, her hand placed lightly over his chest. The pulsing waves of pain that started immediately after his statement made the captain grit his teeth is surprise. Unohana lowered her hand slightly and the pain quickly began to increase in severity, causing Mayuri to snatch the woman's hand away.

"There is no need to insult your vice-captain." Mayuri glared at the woman and stared her down. "Please apologize."

"Who do you think you are to order me around when it pertains to my squad. I do not interfere with your orders to your subordinates, so I would appreciate if you would learn your place and do the same." Mayuri replied with venom.

"My place, Captain?"

"Did you not comprehend my statement or are you as stupid as Nemu?" The Captain-Commander's patience waning thin from being pulled from his residence at such an hour, struck his cane to the ground and gave the two captains a piercing stare.

"You have overstepped your boundaries and such rude remarks are unbecoming to a man of your stature. For such remarks, you will apologize to both women."

"I apologize for stating the truth in my previous statements and I also apologize if the recipient cannot accept this flaw in themselves."

"Kurotsuchi." The Captain-Commander warned, his reiatsu climbing steadily.

"Mayuri-sama please."

"Why can't you ever remain silent."

"I suggest you heed her warning." The old man ground out. Deciding not to take his chances in his current state, Mayuri swallowed his pride and gave a soft apology to both women. Having tired of the fiasco, many captains began to return to their assigned areas, the Captain-Commander not far behind, stopping to give orders to Isane and Nemu. While Isane gathered information about the fire from Nemu, Unohana decided to have the 12th division's captain taken ahead to her squad's hospital, but before parting Unohana gave Mayuri a few words of her own.

"Do not cause trouble, Kurotsuchi. If you do, trust me you will pay dearly for it." Unohana expressed seriously.

"I have always been a curious cat Unohana." Unohana gave her motherly smile, giving the order for her men to move the stretcher out.

"But this time Kurotsuchi, curiosity might just kill the cat." Unohana said and went off to help her lieutenant.

Hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter. I hope to have another up soon. Read and review please. Constructive criticism is also welcome.


	2. Chaos in the 4th Division

Well everyone, here I am, back with the second installment. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter as well.

Tite Kubo: You know you forgot the disclaimer for the last chapter right. My lawyers saw it and they are now living in front of your house entryway.

HM: I noticed. Think some are still on the bottom of my shoes, I hate pests you know.

Tite Kubo: You could solve this-

HM: I know, I know. I'll give a disclaimer. I do not own Bleach.

Tite Kubo: Ahem.

HM: Or any of its characters.

Tite Kubo: And...

HM: And I'm using them for my own crazy sense of humor and off the wall plots.

Tite Kubo: Thank you.

HM: Yeah whatever. Always taking the fun out of everything-

Tony the Tiger: Hey-

HM: Dammit! I don't own Frosted Flakes either. Freaking killjoys.

Geritol: What-

HM: (screams) I don't own you either. Is there anyone else that does not want me to own them. (All my friends raise their hands) Traitorous bastards. Anyway enjoy the chapter.

Ten nurses, armed with brooms, mops and any other dangerous hospital items they could get their hands on, currently stood outside of room 293. Why ten nurses, looking like they were preparing for a cleaning war, you ask. Because the previous six nurses were going to be hospitalized along with Captain Kurotsuchi. Not due to their own fault mind you. Who would have thought that mad scientists were afraid of needles, they are. Or that the sterile smell floating throughout hospital halls made them anxious and agitated, it does. Too bad the nurses didn't check into the new patient's fears first; it might have saved them a lot of trouble. But nooooo, they had to go barging in with medical devices equipped and ready to go; they would now regret it. Hmm so maybe it was their fault after all.

Holding a very concentrated bottle of antiseptic (he was afraid to grab the needle bin for fear of disease and bodily contamination) and a small bowl of discarded jello, Mayuri eyed the young man that stood across from him. The man was holding a needle and Mayuri was not in the mood to be pricked, which resulted in Mayuri using said items to guard himself behind a small table. The upper half of his face appearing over the bridge of the table, Mayuri's voice filtered over to the man.

"I specifically remember telling you that I do not like needles. I also specifically remember telling you that you would be punished severely if you injected me with anything."

"But Captain Kurotsuchi I have not injected you with anything yet." Mayuri popped his head from behind the table and growled at the man.

"Yet. That means you are planning to, which gives me grounds to maim you severely, if not kill you." Iemura looked around the hospital room at his fallen comrades, this is what he got for pushing Kurotsuchi too far. When Iemura arrived with his crew, he thought that six people would be more than enough to hold the small man down. It's safe to say that he was clearly mistaken. Five stab wounds and five unconscious, if not dying nurses later, Iemura could only watch as the scientist built a small fort and barricaded himself away. To busy contemplating his situation, Iemura failed to notice, until then, one of the nurses from outside shuffling in. The nurse tiptoed lightly as he attempted to pick up one of his fallen colleagues and carry her outside. He didn't move quite fast enough and Iemura's insides turned to mush as the new nurse was addressed by the hidden captain.

"What are you doing with that body little one." The nurse stopped moving with the body and sat the woman down gently.

"Uhh... n-nothing Sir."

"Your name boy."

"Y-yamada."

"Ahhh yes, little Hanatarou." Mayuri stood up from behind his makeshift fort and eyed Yamada critically. "I hope you weren't trying to move her."

"N-not at a-all Sir. I was just making her a little more comfortable. Heh."

"Good, then move her back." Mayuri used his index finger to signal to Hanataro the direction.

"Y-yes Sir." Hanatarou moved the nurse back in place, folded her arms over her chest and placed a small flower in her hands.

"She looks dead like that, I didn't kill her you know."

"Heh...sorry." Picking the nurse up, Yamada placed her in a chair and crossed her legs, making her seem as if she was having a pleasant conversation with someone of great importance.

"Much better." Hanatarou unsure of what to do, voiced his uncertainty.

"Well I'll be leaving now. If you don't mind that is?"

"No I don't mind at all." Mayuri waved his hand nonchalantly. "Seeing that I am in a generous mood tonight, I will allow you to take the two nurses closest to the door out with you. I think I was a bit too harsh with them. Oh and get the one I hemmed in the closet as well. And seeing as you have already taken my sword from the room-"

"I was hoping you didn't see that."

"I did. You may go get it and place it back against that far wall."

"Y-yes Sir. Uh quick question, what if I-"

"Refuse? I'll kill you."

Oh."

"You can return for the others when I am finished with this one." Mayuri pointed to Iemura and ran his fingers over some recently discovered medical instruments.

"Uhhh are you going to kill him?"

"No not at all, just scare him a bit, nothing more." Mayuri picked up a scalpel, swiping it through the air and Iemura backed up toward the door.

"Can I just leave with Yamada now? I won't come back. I promise."

"What did I just say? And I know you won't. At least not after I'm done with you."

"Don't worry Iemura he said he won't kill you. I'll be back." Hanatarou said as he walked away dragging the bodies of the nurses behind him. Mayuri watched as Hanatarou left the room and his attention went back to the man in front of him.

"Now what to do with you."

Upon her return to her division, Captain Unohana was surprised to find the alarms going off and all the nurses heading in one direction. She had left Isane to finish gathering information about the explosions, so it seemed she would be handling this mess alone. As another nurse ran by Unohana grabbed his shoulder and he turned to face her.

"What is going on?"

"Captain Kurotsuchi is-" Unohana raised her hand to silence the man and responded softly.

"No need to finish, I will be there in a moment." When her team had come to pick Kurotsuchi up earlier, he had been on his best behavior or what could be considered his best anyway, but now it seemed that it had only a farce for her to let her guard down. Unohana sighed, 'I might as well go handle this now before it gets out of control,' though she knew that dealing with Kurotsuchi already meant that everything was out of control. She also knew that tomorrow was going to be very busy for her, what with signing all of the squad transfers and resignations, she would be up to her shoulders in paperwork. Resigned to her fate, Unohana shrugged her shoulders and walked into one of the small utility closets, grabbing some testing supplies and looking for something of great importance.

"Now where was that metal bedpan?"

After pushing through a mass of people looking as if they had come from war, Unohana arrived at the core of the disorder. She saw Hanatarou pulling unconscious nurses out of the patient's room and her third seat, Iemura, sitting on a gurney shaking and talking to himself.

"It's not real. I ate the Frosted Flakes before they got soggy. I know I did. They were only in the milk for a moment. I'm sorry Tony the Tiger. I didn't mean..." Whatever Mayuri had done to induce that kind of talk, she would hope to never find out.

"Excuse me please." The squad members turned to face the familiar voice and their spirits instantly lifted. Everyone seemed to be elated that the captain was there, but that feeling was quickly lost when one nurses started to sob and kiss her feet.

"W-whatever we did... we are sorry." Unohana gave the young woman a puzzled look and handed her a tissue. The girl wiped her eyes and handed the soggy tissue back to her captain. Unohana grabbed the tissue with her index finger and thumb and tossed it in a nearby wastebasket. "I usually believe in your disciplinary actions Captain... but whatever w-wrong we did, I am sure that such a harsh punishment was not n-needed." Unohana looked around and her entire staff was nodding in agreement.

"Punishment?"

"We w-will do whatever is necessary to g-get back into your good graces. Just p-please take him back."

"Who, Captain Kurotsuchi?" At the mention of the name, a few nurses in the group fell into convulsions and a new recruit started to scream hysterically. She guessed she would have to add mental therapy to the list of additions to the 4th division after this was over.

"Takada please stop crying and give me the status of the current situation, Watanabe please sedate that young man and Sabe, Mono, and Yamato please transport the nurses having seizures to rooms and attend to them." The said squad members obeyed the commands and Takada stood up, running the back of her hand under her nose. Unohana handed the girl another tissue and waited for Takada to gather herself. "You may begin." The young woman exhaled and rattled off all the recent chaos.

"The first six nurses, excluding Iemura, were attacked with Captain Kurotsuchi's zanpakuto and scared nearly to death. They were later found unconscious and removed from the room by Yamada. Yamada entered to get our wounded and left without a scratch, even after Captain Kurotsuchi found out that he snatched his zanpakuto. Which is odd because we thought that he would be attacked or held as a hostage, actually we were banking on it. Once we crunched the numbers we found that Yamada had the highest rate of ending up in a hostage situation and everyone also felt that he was the most disposable of all the nurses, but surprisingly he and the captain got along fairly well. Now that I think about it, the only reason Iemura was safely returned was because Captain Kurotsuchi offered the remainder of Iemura's sanity for Yamada's company." Deciding to ignore the fact that her squad members had thrown one of her best men to the wolves because of some bad math, Unohana focused the conversation on Iemura.

"Kurotsuchi didn't seem to leave much of Iemura's sanity intact." Unohana turned to look at her third seat, he was talking with a tray of linens and grabbing the cleaning gloves as if he were shaking a hand.

"We are going by the quality method, not the quantity one."

"Not much quality either."

"Everything would have gone more smoothly if Iemura had not tried to run while Captain Kurotsuchi was distracted. He was so intent on getting out of the room that he failed to notice the medical tranquilizers behind him. He tripped over them and he got a full dose of about three of them. We had to restart his heart four times, but he's alive an- well dead and kicking, well you know what I mean. It's one of those sayings I got from the living world. The tranquilizers were also filled with a variety of hallucinogens that were supposed to put the mind in an euphoric state.

"So that is why he was referring to the Frosted Flakes."

"No that was all Kurotsuchi's work. He never came in contact with any of the tranquilizers that had the hallucinogenic drugs in them."

"So why did you give you give me such irrelevant information."

"I just thought you would like to know." Unohana exhaled softly and shook her head, she would seriously have to talk to the Captain-Commander about the squad screenings. She didn't know if it was true, but she really hoped that the cadets weren't bribing the Captain-Commander with prunes and Geritol again. The last time that happened a few crazies slipped in, thus explaining the nutcase in the room. What one would do for a new set of self cleaning dentures and a bottle of apple juice.

"Is there anything else-" Unohana turned her attention away from Takada when she heard the door to Kurotsuchi's room close loudly. Yamada walked with a clumsy gait past the two women, his eyes showing his tiredness, and went down the corridor toward his sleeping chambers. Both women walked up to the patient's door and leveled themselves with the sliding panel. Takada slid the panel open and gazed inside at the 12th division's captain, who was fighting sleep off by occasionally slapping himself in the face.

"Oh I almost forgot, I guess that now would be as good a time as any to tell you."

"Tell me what?" Takada fidgeted and brought herself to her full height.

"Captain Kurotsuchi set fire to the East wing and well... you no longer have a garden... o-or a gazing perch... or...that...new... Buddha statue. The pond... gone too. Due to the fire, the fish were steamed... and... we ate them, but it was only so they wouldn't go to waste. And just to think Captain, all that happened after we shot him with the tranquilizer." Unohana's face went from a nice shade of healthy pink to a pale gray.

"My garden." Unohana mourned her only place of absolute peace, turning to glare holes in the door.

"Captain, don't be angry." Unohana took a deep breath and smiled at Takada.

"Angry? I would never-"

"That's the angry smile."

"Nonsense-"

"Please dismiss us."

"Fine then. You have all done well tonight. You may return to your regular duties. I will handle Captain Kurotsuchi for tonight."

"He can be quite overwhelming." A nurse mumbled in the front of the crowd.

"Do not worry. I will be fine. As a matter of fact, Takada prepare tea for me please. I shall be down in approximately ten to fifteen minutes." The nurses looked at her as if she had gone crazy, murmuring among themselves about her sanity.

"Fifteen minutes Captain?"

"Yes, now run along Takada." Takada nodded and ran off to fulfill her captain's orders, the rest of the group following close behind. She hoped her captain would be okay, no need for another Iemura fiasco.

Unohana smiled and waved as she watched the last of her squad members leave the area. Takada was such a sweet girl, but she worried so much sometimes. Unohana clutched the testing supplies to her chest and entered the room that her staff had labeled 'Temporary Hell.' Shutting the door softly behind her, Unohana turned around to face the patient.

"Hello Captain." Mayuri nodded curtly and reclined slightly in the chair he had been sitting in. Setting the supplies down on a small table, Unohana watched the captain through the corner of her eye. Mayuri's eyes drooped shut ever so often and his breathing was beginning to level out. As tired as he looked, it seemed to be somewhat safe to state her reasons for being there without causing too much hassle. "Captain Kurotsuchi I have a few tests to perform and I also need a blood and skin sample. Both are relatively painless-"

"Stop your senseless babble woman. There is no need to continue; I will not be giving either willingly."

"If you would-"

"I said no." Mayuri turned away from the woman, focusing on some unknown object on the far wall. Attempting to make the use of violence the last resort, Unohana once again tried to reason with the man.

"Captain Kurotsuchi whether you agree or not I will gather the samples I need. It is up to you as to how we go about doing so. We can handle this in a civil manner where you give me your arm freely or you can make it difficult and I force you, the decision is yours." Mayuri sucked air through his teeth and rolled his eyes.

"Well?" Unohana smiled.

"My position still stands." Unohana's smiled faltered.

"I would think you a more intelligent man Captain Kurotsuchi."

"I would think you a more competent doctor, Captain Unohana." Unohana bowed her head softly, accepting his statement with a peaceful demeanor. She turned as if to leave and Mayuri smiled at the woman's back, not noticing the bedpan missing from the table. Unohana turned back around, only to get a haughty expression from Kurotsuchi's face.

"Maybe I was wrong, you don't seem to know when to give up. I thought you were leaving."

"Not quite yet, but as soon as I'm finished I'll be on my way." Kurotsuchi gave her a quizzical look, to which Unohana answered with a slam of the metal bedpan against his skull. Mayuri grabbed his head out of habit, but emitted no sound. "That Captain, is called shock. This bedpan also contains pain, internal bleeding and unconsciousness. If you don't want to experience them as well I suggest that you give me your arm." To say the man was dazed was an understatement, he was dazed, confused, in pain and probably debating whether he should have gone with the civil option. He couldn't believe it, she had actually hit him. "Your arm please."

"No you stupid..." Unohana lifted the bedpan again and this time leveled his shoulder with it, dislocating it in the process. Kurotsuchi yelled and gripped his shoulder.

"That's pain."

"You are not allowed to hit patients."

"Your arm please."

"No!" Another bedpan attack, this one landing in his abdomen and dropping the scientist to his knees.

"Not strong enough for internal bleeding, but close enough.

"How dare you, you insolent woman. When I get off of this floor I'll make sure you regret ever hitting me with that rudimentary weapon..." While Kurotsuchi attempted to threaten her, Unohana had walked over to one of the windows in the room and began to remove the linen curtains from the thick rod hanging over top. Having removed the curtains she returned to Kurotsuchi with a new weapon in hand. "What are you doing?"

"May I please have your arm?" Unohana extended her hand and Kurotsuchi immediately pushed her back into the wall using his reiatsu, sending a barrage of hospital equipment in her direction. Unohana easily dodged the equipment and flash stepped to stand in front of the now tired captain.

"You are not fairing well, perhaps-"

"I said...as long as I could fight...you would get nothing." Unohana shook her head in disappointment and swung the curtain rod in her hands. The metal collided with Mayuri's legs, knocking him down and onto the floor. The man hugged his legs to his body and screamed loudly. He pulled himself into a sitting position, nursing his leg while Unohana prepared to offer another strike to his body.

"Wait! Stop!" Unohana lowered the rod, looking at the captain expectantly.

"You wish for me to stop Captain Kurotsuchi? You either cannot fight any longer or you have seen the benefit of my reasons for being here." Mayuri sighed, she was offering him a way out without damaging his pride more than it had already been. Taking the handout Mayuri, Mayuri sat up and addressed the woman.

"Your reasons seem to be more grounded than my own. I will take them into consideration. Just do not strike me anymore." Unohana's famous smile returned, the good news making her drop the curtain rod, it landing with a metallic clatter.

"You know everyone thought that we were going to butt heads, but I told them that since you were such a gentleman you would never cause me any trouble. It's nice to know that I was right about you." Was she serious? She nearly bludgeoned him to death and she thought they weren't butting heads. He really had to get out of here.

"Now I need for you to get into the bed so I can gather the samples for the tests." Breathing heavily Mayuri glared at the woman, but slowly pulled himself to the edge of the bed.

"You were not supposed to hit me." Mayuri answered as he tumbled onto the bed. Unohana smiled and extended her hand.

"Arm please." The scientist complained softly while placing his arm in the medical captain's hand, flinching occasionally when Unohana's hand tightened on the bedpan. Unohana organized the medical instruments on a tray and picked up a cottonball, saturating it in a antiseptic wash.

"You will feel a small prick." Alarm crossed Mayuri's features and he jerked his arm away. "I thought we had an understanding."

"I am not fond of needles. Could you do it later, perhaps while I sleep?"

'I must gather the samples immediately."

"So what are you going to do?" After a few long seconds and finding that he still had not received an answer, he looked toward Unohana with an air of impatience. Too bad the bottom of a metal bedpan was the last thing he saw before he was knocked unconscious.

Takada exhaled as she saw her captain turn the corner with test samples in hand and no visible scratches.

"Naga take these samples to the labs please." The male nurse ran up to his captain, collecting the samples and went toward the labs for delivery. Takada looked at the small clock, commenting to her captain about the time.

"You have almost five minutes to spare Captain. How did you...?"

"I have my ways." Takada nodded softly and handed her captain her tea.

HM: (chasing her friends with a chainsaw) Naw don't run now. Come back here. I bet you won't raise those hands again. Oh (hides the chainsaw) ummm well hope you enjoyed the chapter. So while I finish this little job up why don't you guys drop me a few reviews. Now where was I... oh yeah. Come back here, I'm not finished with you yet.


	3. Unknown Visit

HM: Here's the next part guys. Hope you enjoy. Oh yeah and I don't own Bleach or it's characters. Um also Bunsen burners are on the list of things that I don't own, but I did see someone catch flame while using one and I laughed really loudly... did I mention he was a douche-bag that deserved it.... and that he got second degree burns on one of his arms... I did tell you guys that I laughed REALLY loudly right? I'm going to burn in hell for that one aren't I?

Nemu exited the 12th division headquarters with all the speed she could muster, the fear of her creator's temper making her move even faster through the maze of streets found throughout the Seireitei. Instead of her father's incessant tugging at her arm to begin the mornings' experiments, the songs of birds awakened Nemu, albeit three hours late, but they did wake her. 'Mayuri-sama wished for me to meet him for daily orders. He will be very angry at my tardiness.' Nemu's thoughts followed her as she turned a corner and flash stepped to the top of a building. After almost twenty minutes of hopping across buildings, the top of the 4th division's hospital came into view. Nemu exhaled softly and moved toward the building hoping that her father would be in a forgiving mood this day.

Nemu arrived at the 4th division in record time, stopping only when she reached the front desk and signed herself in. Sitting behind the front desk was a small, childish looking girl signing papers. Upon closer inspection Nemu found that the papers read 'Resignation' across the top in big bold letters and wondered what warranted such a massive stack of them. The nurse finished signing the last sheet and shoved them all into a drawer, shutting it loudly. The nurse then looked up at Nemu and smiled softly, her small hands folded on top of the desk.

"May I help you Ma'am?" A childlike voice drifted from the nurses throat and Nemu was wondering if the person behind the desk truly was a child; her brown hair styled in two pigtails, giving even more youth to her already young features. Maybe she would make an inquiry later, but right now she really needed to focus her thoughts on her captain.

"Yes please. I am here to see Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi." At the mention of the name the nurse's hands began to sweat, her smile disappeared and her eyes glazed over. She grabbed Nemu's hand, the grip so tight Nemu could see her knuckles turning white, and shifted her frightened eyes to meet Nemu's own melancholy ones.

"I told them to tie him down, but Watanabe said it would be fine. He told me not to worry, but he was wrong... 'Everything will be fine.' he said. That's what he said. But it wasn't, it wasn't... He got them. He got them all. You must be prayed over before you enter such a place. I have the materials here if you want me to preform the prayer here." The nurse pulled some spiritual candles and charms from underneath her desk. A picture of the 12th division captain's face covered both the charms and the candles, each showing a red circle with a line through it. "You should-"

"Great job Nakamura," Unohana interrupted, "You may take your break now."

"I was giving Vice-Captain Nemu some charms for protec-"

"I am sure she will be fine."

"Are you su-"

"Yes, I am sure. This way please." Unohana motioned to a door and the nurse allowed Unohana to lead her from the desk and out the door. Unohana closed the door softly and was about to walk back to take care of Nemu when the door was forced open.

"Don't let him get you-"

"Nakamura please." Unohana's voice strained as she tried to push the girl out again. When Captain Unohana finally succeeded in getting the girl out the door, she locked it and addressed Nemu.

"Please refrain from speaking your captain's name around the nurses, the damage to their psyche has been quite profound, so profound in fact that I am the only person that will go into his room.

"My apologies for his actions."

"No need for your apologies, after all they were his actions, were they not?"

"Yes Ma'am." Unohana smiled softly and turned away from the desk.

"Am I correct in assuming that you are here to visit him?" Nemu nodded, following Unohana down the closest corridor. "This way please." Nemu followed Captain Unohana through a series of similar corridors that seemed to go on forever, the only distinguishing aspects being the numbers on the doors and the names of the different wings. They walked for a minute more before Nemu came to a stop at the East wing of the hospital, the darkened walls calling her attention from the back of the woman in front of her.

"What happened here?" Unohana stopped, her hands straightening imaginary wrinkles from her uniform.

"From what I understand, the sedative that my squad gave your captain caused some... adverse effects. Instead of slowing him down and calming him like it should have, it made him more unstable than usual."

"Unstable?"

"More rebellious, I should say. He seemed to find great amusement in causing trouble."

"The walls of this wing?"

"Molotov bombs. Your captain mixed some highly flammable chemicals and used hospital linens as the fuses. My staff now locks away all linens and Bunsen burners."

"Oh." Nemu looked past the charred walls to an enormous hole that was currently being repaired. "And this?"

"He went bowling with some of the medical beds, using my staff as the pins. After so much stress of being knocked into by reiatsu enriched beds, the walls finally gave way."

"Was he responsible for the destruction of your garden as well?" Nemu dared to ask, as she looked into the gaping hole in the ground that had replaced a once peaceful retreat.

"Yes. He destroyed my garden and replaced my Buddha statue with the Bankai form of his zanpakuto; he and his sword thought it was funny but I was not so ecstatic. Shall we continue?" The two women continued walking.

"Mayuri-sama has an... odd sense of humor." Unohana laughed lightly and stopped in front of a room. Nemu hesitated and turned to the captain before her. "He will be furious that I am not punctual."

"Do you wish for me to accompany you?"

"I do not see how your presence will improve my tardiness, but you may accompany me if you wish." Unohana nodded and opened the door slowly, letting Nemu enter first. Nemu stepped lightly into the room and paused. A few moments passed upon entering the room and Nemu was greeted with nothing she expected. There was no yelling, no threats, no insults... no anything. Crossing the room slowly, Nemu walked to the edge of the bed and looked down in surprise. Blue hair fell over partially painted skin and sealed eyelids hid golden eyes.

"Mayuri-sama is sleeping." Nemu whispered in disbelief.

"Does he not-"

"No." Nemu interrupted. "He never sleeps. I have only observed Mayuri-sama taking quick naps and those are rare in themselves."

"He must have been quite fatigued then."

"I assume so." Nemu ran her hand lightly over her creator's forehead, smudging some of the already destroyed facial paint, and grazed over a few moderately sized knots under the skin. "How were these injuries acquired Captain?" Unohana cleared her throat and looked to the side, her right hand moving up to straighten her hair.  
"He fell."

"Mayuri-sama has never displayed any problems concerning his balance before."

"The sedative must have had an affect on his bodily systems causing him to be a little disoriented. He would not be the first patient that has had problems after being given a sedative."

"But you said the sedative had no-"

"You are such a bright young woman. Actually a little too bright for your own good."

"Thank you, but you have neglected to support your-"

"Nemu he fell."

"Did he really-?"

"No, but we can pretend that he did."

"...I see." Nemu removed her hand from her father's head and softly grasped the hand closest to her. "If it is not too much trouble, I would like to remain here with him until he wakes." Glad that Nemu had gotten the hint, Unohana smiled and answered the vice-captain.

"You may do as you wish, but please be sure not to wake him. He seems to be in urgent need of sleep."

"I understand." Unohana exited the room and Nemu pulled a chair from the other side of the room, placing it beside the bed.

"See Mayuri-sama, I told you there would be nothing to worry about." She whispered softly before placing her head on his hand and closing her eyes.

"As you all know Captain Kuchiki has once again locked and sealed all of the entrance points to his mansion, including those we made in secret. Due to this and the fact that Captain Kuchiki has placed guards around the perimeter of his residence, guards that obviously don't know that they should not toss women out into muddy puddles, we will be forced to hold our meetings in this abandoned warehouse until further notice or until we can find a way to break through his defenses." Nanao straightened her glasses. "Now that we are all back from our showers, the meeting can commence." Nanao glanced around the room at all the women, silently counting them present, however she stalled when she notice the empty seat that Nemu usually occupied when they were forced to hold their meetings in the warehouse. "Has anyone seen Nemu?" No one was paying attention, being too preoccupied with various other activities to pay attention to the posed question(Soi Fon playing with some small stuffed cat that had stuffing leaking out out of it's neck. Matsumoto adjusting her breasts in a mirrored shard of glass on the floor. Yachiru slobbering on an overly large lollipop consisting of every color ever made, Hinamori talking to her zanpakuto about the betrayal of her captain and Isane speaking on the ills of being extremely tall). Nanao picked up a large stone and beat it down against the wooden crates she was using as a podium (Kuchiki had taken her gavel as well). "Hey everybody where is Nemu!" Everyone turned to look at her, but only a small voice in the back answered.

"She went to see Captain Kurotsuchi this morning. She told me last night that she would not be able to attend." Nanao accepted the excuse from Hinamori and was about to officially start the meeting when the club's president interrupted.

"Yeah Bozoface was hurt. Braidy-chan took him with her last night."

"Yes Ma'dam President, that matter has already been settled." Yachiru ignored her and continued as if Nanao had said nothing.

"Do we have anything to do this meeting Glasses-chan?"

"We were-"

"Good, then we can all make plans to visit Bozoface in the hospital."

"But Ma'dam-"

"We don't want Quiet-chan to be the only one who goes to see Bozoface do we?"

"Actually-"

"Then when we have time off we should go see him." All the women in the warehouse looked at their small president with unhappy faces. The women weren't planning on spending their free time in the 4th division without good reason and trust me Mayuri Kurotsuchi was not on the list of good reasons by far. Can't make room on the good list for someone who would dissect you with the drop of a pin and a quick moment of interest, then later toss you inside a glass jar with your initials on it. Nope, no one was looking forward to that type of treatment.

"I think I speak for us all when I say, we really don't want to do that." Matsumoto spoke up from the back of the room. "He might not even want visitors."

"Sure he wants visitors. Everyone likes to have people come visit them when they are sick."

"He's not sick."

"Or burned up or whatever. We should still go." Nanao cleared her throat and addressed the young president.

"Ma'dam President, forgive me for saying this, but Captain Kurotsuchi is not one of the most well liked captains." Yachiru frowned and stuck out her tongue at the vice-captain.

"I like him. He's nice to me."

"How exactly is that?"

"He makes obstacle courses for me when I'm bored."

"No Ma'dam you keep breaking into his labs to play with his experiments and he has to upgrade the security."

"What about when we play bull's eye together?"

"Who's always the bull's eye Yachiru?" Hinamori voiced.

"Me."

"Enough said."

"Well he gives me candy and sweets all the time."

"Nemu said that half of it was laced with something or another." Soi Fon tossed in.

"Well she said half of the time it was, that means the other times it wasn't. So nyah."

"That's probably because the other times she isn't aware of it and it still doesn't change the fact that he tries to kill you."

"Shut up Matsumoto." Yachiru fumed on her crate and crossed her arms across her chest. She was supposed to be the president here, no one was supposed to be arguing with her.

"Don't worry Yachiru even you are wrong sometimes." Matsumoto said as she put down the small flask of sake she brought to the meeting. Yachiru's eyes burned red and before anyone could stop her she threw a crate at the big breasted woman. Matsumoto dodged the crate easily, and stuck her tongue out at the young girl.

"I don't care what any of you say! We are all going to see Bozoface when we get a chance and you better get him a gift too."

"But Ma'dam-"

"It's an order! You have to obey it. I am the president, so you have to." Yachiru sobbed. Nanao sighed, she could not bear to see the young girl cry and quickly addressed the other women.

"As by order of our president, we are to visit Captain Kurotsuchi and bring him a gift. All for this please say aye." Although hesitantly, all the women agreed to the order presented. At this Yachiru immediately stopped crying and smiled brightly.

"Yay!"

"You don't look too upset now." Nanao commented.

"I never was." Yachiru pulled out a sweet bun Byakuya had given her as a bribe to stop taking his koi, and stuffed it into her mouth. "I just wanted all of you to agree to the visit. It always works on Kenny, so I gave it a shot with you guys."

"So you were faking the whole time." Nanao growled from behind the crates.

"Yep." Yachiru smiled and Nanao's hands went to remove her glasses. Yachiru's smile disappeared and a look of horror crossed her face.

"Glasses-chan? I'm sorry. Glasses-chan?"

A loud scream erupted from the vicinity of the abandoned warehouses and Ikkaku and Yumichika paused in their afternoon sake.

"That sounded like Yachiru Ikkaku."

"Well whatever she did I hope she is gettin' what she deserves. Damn demon spawn."

"I don't sense anything hostile in the area, so maybe she's just playing."

"Yeah whatever. She'll be alright. Want some more sake?"

"Please." Both filled their cups and looked up at the sun centering in the sky.

Nemu lifted her head and focused her blurry sight on the clock on the opposite wall. 'I have been asleep for almost two hours.' Sitting up fully, Nemu stretched and placed her father's hand on his lower abdomen. He still had not woken and continued to sleep soundly. 'He must have indeed been tired.' Nemu stood quietly and moved the chair back to the table that she had taken it from, making sure to remain silent. 'Maybe if I return later he will be awake. Then I can accept his orders.' Nemu turned to leave, but suddenly thought better of the decision. 'I should tell him goodbye and leave something to show that I was present.' Nemu thought a moment before pulling the red choker from around her neck and placing it on her creator's bed. Putting her fingertips to her lips, Nemu kissed them softly and placed them next to her father's heart. 'That should do.' Nemu crossed the room and left it with a soft click of the door. Moments later, Mayuri rolled in his sleep knocking the small choker to the floor, where a small gust of wind from the AC vent pushed it underneath the bed and out of sight.

HM: Did you guys enjoy it? Hope you did. So while you guys drop me a few reviews, I'm going to go talk this laughing-at-another's-pain thing over the great Almighty. Maybe he'll give me a pardon on that little incident. Deuces until the next chapter.


	4. How Did You Get My Room Number?

HM: The next chapter is heeeeeere. This one should give you guys a lot of laughs. Anyway on to the usual stuff. Me no own Bleach, its characters, or anything really having to do with it. Unless you count the multiple character desktops I have of everyone and the shrine I made for Mayuri out of beef sausages and mustard. I'm joking... or am I? So read the chapter and try to figure out if I'm joking or not.

When Mayuri awoke the next morning, the cheerful rays of sunshine that shone through his window battled with his dark mood and splitting headache. His mood became even more brooding when he found out that his vice-captain had not been to the hospital to accept his orders like he had asked (demanded) and that he had woken up to Unohana the Berserker in his room, which caused his head to throb even more. Mayuri ran his fingertips over his forehead, shivering as the memory of the bedpan beating resurfaced. Pressing his index fingers to his temples the headache seem to ebb away after a few minutes, allowing the 12th division captain to raise himself from the bed and eye the woman across the room. Unohana was walking around the room picking up his personal belongings and other medical odds and ends that had been scattered about the floor from the previous night's battle. The 4th division captain was doing something that should have been done by him and though an apology was completely out of the question, he secretly hoped that the other captain would recognize his following deed for what it truly was.

"You do not have to clean this up. I caused the mess so I will attend to it."

"Captain, there is no need to worry about this, you should continue to rest."

"I am fine. I shall help you."

"That-"

"I said that I will help." Mayuri insisted and slowly threw his legs over the side of the bed. The 4th division captain bowed her head softly and Mayuri slowly crept out of the bed, stopping momentarily to steady himself. Comfortable about his balance, he moved around the room gathering his belongings and set them aside on a small table. When the two were almost finished with the room, Unohana grasped Mayuri's shoulder lightly and whispered, "Your apology has been accepted." Mayuri nodded and thought that maybe the 4th division captain wasn't as incompetent as he had originally assumed.

'The Captain-Commander could not have found anyone else to patrol the real world today other than I.' Nemu thought as she exited the portal to Karakura Town. Rukia had been called back to the Seireitei on important business for the day and the Captain-Commander had requested that Nemu take over her duties. When Nemu awoke that morning a Hell Butterfly was practically raping her face. When she moved the butterfly from her face to her hand, the orders given simply said to leave as soon as possible to guard Karakura Town in the event that any Hollows were spotted. Unfortunately the butterfly's orders interfered with her plans for today, which consisted of meeting with her captain and finishing off a few lab experiments he had assigned to her. Her fluttering thoughts about the lab experiments immediately brought back the reason she was unable to return the previous day, a small mishap in one of the labs, this one not caused by Rin, but by Yachiru, that had resulted in her squad being short three officers and positive three hollowfied animals. Good thing her creator took into account Yachiru's constant meddling and supplied a counter serum for the hollowfication process. She had truly been looking forward to the visit today, but she guessed that it would have to wait until a more convenient time arose.

Stepping lightly onto the quiet streets of her intended meeting place to acquire some much needed equipment , Nemu turned around to see the small shop that had been described to her. Lounging outside of the building on a large tatami mat was a man idly staring at clouds as they passed lazily overhead. He lay there for a few moments before turning to face her.

"Well hello there Missy. Can I help you?" Nemu focused on the man and glanced at his attire. The man wore an oddly shaped hat, that allowed wisps of blond hair to peek from underneath it, his face was partially covered by a common paper fan and traditional getas adorned his feet.

"Urahara?"

"At your service." The carefree voice answered. The man removed the fan, but the hat he wore shadowed most of his face, letting only a goofy grin remain unhidden. Not willing to waste more time than needed Nemu stated her wishes.

"I require a gigai."

"Who are you? I've never seen you before." The man said pleasantly.

"Nemu Kurotsuchi, Vice-Captain of Squad Twelve."

"Well aren't I in luck. I get to see the finished product first hand."

"Pardon?"

"I was there when he began his testing using soul technology. I always wanted to see what he would produce from it. He did an excellent job with you." Nemu wasn't sure how to take the statement so she settled for being polite.

"Thank you. Now may I please have the gigai."

"All in due time. Not much goin' on around here dealing with Hollows anyway, but I haven't heard about May-chan in a while and I am really interested in learning about you." As he finished his sentence Urahara grabbed her breasts and squeezed. Nemu immediately blushed crimson and slapped the man's hands away.

"That was very impolite."

"Hmmm so he gave you modesty and moral standards. How interesting. You can almost pass as a human."

"I am human for the most part only my soul is artificial. Mayuri-sama created it from desirable traits-" Nemu paused as the scientist, now shopkeeper, stooped low and stared at her legs.

"May-chan was always a leg man. I guess he had to incorporate them into your design. Perfect as always. The man knows his stuff."

"May-chan?"

"My little nickname for him, he never was fond of it. He would always say it was too casual."

"Oh."

"Aww well, it's a little hot out here don't you think? We could go inside, I could brew up some tea, we could have a light snack-"

"But..." Urahara guided Nemu inside of his small shop, shutting off any objections that she may have had, when he stated

"You want that gigai don't you."

"Yes."

"So what's been happening with May-chan?" A bright smile appeared on his face and he closed the shop door.

Walking out of the attached bathroom, steam billowing out after him, Mayuri pulled a large towel through his wet hair and tossed it around his neck. The cool tile gave a chilling contrast to the previously warm shower, causing Mayuri to pull the towel tightly around his shoulders. Slipping his feet into a pair of house slippers and pulling on a robe, Mayuri moved toward his bed. On the way there he absently picked up the small mirror on his bedside table. Contrary to popular belief he actually did take pride in his appearance, though mostly because of the shock value it presented to others rather than the aesthetic pleasure that so many preferred. Wet tendrils of blue hair fell into his amber eyes and small patches where he had been burned began to peel away leaving slightly discolored skin underneath. He couldn't imagine what his face would have looked like if he had not been given an immediate healing treatment by Unohana when he came in the other night. His face paint was not present so there was nothing to hide behind, but all was well for now considering that he would not be expecting any visitors, besides that wretched daughter of his and Unohana. Fluffing the pillows for his comfort and straightening the linens, Mayuri settled back into his bed. Preparing to relax, he picked up a rather large book on animal genetics and pulled out a set of small readers, courtesy of Unohana. How the woman found out he wore glasses was beyond him and how she got hold of a pair was even more of a mystery. He opened the book and began reading, only to be interrupted by a knock on his door, at the final paragraph of the current chapter. Mayuri assumed it was Nemu and thought about how he was going to begin his insults. Having gotten a few good ones ready, Mayuri yelled for the visitor to enter. He did not get what he expected, as a matter of fact, what he got would probably extend his stay in the 4th division.

"Hey- oh sorry Mister." Pink hair and a bright smile.

"Didn't Captain Unohana say this was Kurotsuchi's room?" Ikkaku whispered to the small vice-captain.

"That's not him. That guy's nice looking and he's smart. Look at that book he's reading, half of the words on the front I can't even read let alone understand." Yumichika winked and Ikkaku shoved him to the side.

"Uh sorry, but do you know where Captain Kurotsuchi's room is? I think we got lost." Mayuri should have let them go and gave them some obscure information as to finding his room, but decided against it, his curiosity once again getting the better of him. 'What could they possibly want?'

"This is the correct room."

"So where's the asshole then?" Zaraki said barging his way into the room, nearly slamming Ikkaku to the floor and pushing Yumichika's face into the frame of the door. "I don't see him." Pulling his face from the door, Yumichika ducked under his captain's arm and pushed his hair behind his ear.

"Captain could we wait for him here, the sun is ruining my complexion and we have a nice view here too." Yumichika smiled suggestively and Ikkaku kicked him in the back of the legs.

"I'm still here you know." Yumichika retorted with a punch to Ikkaku's arm before he whispered in the man's ear.

"I was only looking Kaku, don't take it so seriously. Maybe you should read books like that. I like smart guys."

"So you're calling me stupid."

"Nooooo Ikkaku, you just aren't as smart as others." Palming both of their faces, Zaraki picked both men up and held them in the air.

"Hey take that damn lover's quarrel garbage somewhere else. I am here visiting the bastard and that's bad enough, I don't need your shit on top of that. Got it."

"Yes Sir." Both men said in unison.

"Good, now lets wait for him to come back, so we can do this thing for Yachiru and go home." Mayuri getting tired of the scene unfolding in his room decided to make himself known, albeit quite harshly.

"Is your entire squad made up of idiots Zaraki! I'm right here you imbeciles!"

"I heard him Kenny, but I don't see him."

"I'm on the bed you moronic little girl." Yachiru smiled and pushed herself off of her captain's shoulders and onto the corner of his bed. The insult didn't seem to dampen her day one bit.

"Wow Bozoface! You look different, doesn't he Yumichika?" Yumichika who had paled to the color of the white walls, nodded dumbly and Ikkaku flashed a satisfied smile.

"That's Captain Kuro...?"

"Yep, that's why you should keep your eyes to yourself. No more flirting?"

"No more."

"Good." Yachiru more excited than anyone he had ever seen at a hospital, shook pink pompoms and danced a short little number.

"We came to see you Bozoface."

"How did you get my room number?"

"Braidy-chan. She said that you needed some visitors. So here we are." 'Damn that woman.'

"If it makes ya feel any better, I didn't wanna come. I fucking hate this place."

"So how about you leave."

"Oh Captain don't be that way." Yumichika bumped his way to the front, seemingly over his surprise at the science captain's identity. He was the only one of the bunch that Mayuri gave some semblance of respect to... that is until he opened his mouth. "Captain Kurotsuchi you haven't been using the toiletries here have you. During my stay here I found that they totally dry out your skin. The lotion doesn't moisturize like it should and the shower gel can make certain areas very itchy." Might as well humor them.

"Then what should I use Ayasegawa?"

"I brought these for you. They do wonders for the skin and they come in these nice scents, like 'Luscious Lemon and Sizzling Strawberry', but don't worry I got more earthy scents for you." Yumichika pulled out various toiletry bottles and handed them to Mayuri. The bottles were brightly colored and small animals with heads so far out of perspective, even he would have a problem creating them, covered the outside of the bottle. Mayuri swore that he had developed cataracts in one of his eyes from looking at the bottles alone, but that could not compare to the colors of the products themselves. Seizures would be the least of his problems.

"Why are they so bright Ayasegawa? Is this concoction glowing?"

"Yes, the manufacturers said that it makes you want to wear it and I must say it is true. The glowing comes from the small crystal particles mixed in. It gives the skin a natural glow."

"I see." 'A natural glow of radiation.'

"You should try the moisturizer, you are looking a little dry." Looking at the bottles, Mayuri knew that no matter how good they were for his body, they would be horrible for his masculine image, if not ruin it altogether. Trying to decide between his skin being supple and soft and his masculine pride being destroyed was obviously taking too long because the fifth seat officer took the jar from him and slathered the product on his arms and face.

"...Thank you." Mayuri knew the response was dry and hoped that the young man invading every bit of his personal space would get it.

"You're welcome." He didn't. At least one good thing did come out of the exchange, some nice skin and a new personal item to add to Mayuri's own personal repertoire of body products. 'Nemu would love this line. Maybe she will stop using mine, if I get it for her.' Getting impatient with his fifth seat, Zaraki eyed the young man, signaling for him to move and when he didn't seem to get it, the captain voiced it instead.

"Move Ayasegawa you're smothering the man."

"But Captain-"

"Move I gotta give him my gift." Mayuri immediately became suspicious. Zaraki knew nothing about gift-giving, he never had the opportunity to learn. The Child of Chaos liked what her guardian liked, a good fight, the third seat was in the same boat and the fifth seat was given a gift card on such occasions, so what was Mayuri to expect from such a statement other than pain or a giftcard. Mayuri saw nothing in Zaraki's hands and wondered if the man had handed it off to one of his subordinates. Mayuri didn't see a gift, but he did see Zaraki remove his sword from it's sheath. 'What was he going to do with that?' Mayuri got his answer a split second later when the sword came down and plunged into his leg. It took a moment for him to get over the shock, but when he did the yell that escaped him was heard down the entire corridor.

"What the hell was that for!"

"That's my gift."

"You stabbed me in the leg you blithering idiot."

"It'll toughen you up. Make you get out of here faster."

"You probably set me back a few days stupid."

"Yeah whatever." Zaraki flashed his killer grin (literally) and pushed Ikkaku forward. The man seemed uneasy, but the expression left his face after looking at the wound in Mayuri's leg.

"Uh I didn't have nothin' for you at first, but with this little incident I got the perfect thing." Holding his leg Mayuri watched as Ikkaku pulled his zanpakuto apart and removed a green salve from the inside of it. "It stops the bleedin'."

"Does it heal me or stop the pain?"

"Naw."

"Then it really doesn't serve a purpose to me." Ikkaku looked lost.

"But it stops the bleedin'." Ikkaku tried again to give it to the scientist, this time Mayuri gave in and put some of the salve on the newly made puncture wound in his leg. Ikkaku seemed happy with this and grabbed the vice-captain of the squad by her collar. "Give him you gift."

"Bozoface." Mayuri had given up on trying to correct the small lieutenant and settled for ignoring the girl

"Yes Hellion." Yachiru stared off blankly.

"Huh." Right over her head once again. This squad was hopeless. "Look what I got you." Yachiru opened Mayuri's hands and discarded a handful of sticky candy jewelry into them. "There was more, but these guys took too long with their gifts, so I ate some of it." That was the understatement of the year. The only thing left on the candy necklace was the charm and three small surrounding pieces, the jewel on the candy ring was gone which left Mayuri with the plastic ring portion only, the clip-on candied earrings were now just clip-ons and the band and hands of the candied watch were gone. Mayuri grabbed for a napkin and put the sticky candy onto it. "I didn't know what to get you, but I know everybody likes sweet stuff, even grown-ups. Did you like everything Bozoface?" Mayuri glared at Zaraki, but once he thought about everything he received and decided to grade them on the thought of their gifts rather than their usage, he gave the young girl a closed mouth smile.

"They were like nothing I have ever received before."

"So we did good?"

"Well."

"Oh yeah, well.  
"Yes you did."

"That's good then, right."

"Yes it is."

The early part of the day had passed and Nemu estimated the time to be about three hours after noon. She was still being held captive by her host, but was grateful that no Hollows had been spotted while she was locked inside of the shop. While being held prisoner by Urahara, Nemu had the opportunity to run into Kurosaki and his small gang of friends, so what she thought was going to be a rescue turned out to be new victims added to her current predicament.

"Why are you keeping us here?"

"Oh Kurosaki don't you want to spend some time with your mentor."

"Hell no! We have been here for hours Urahara! Not seconds, not minutes, but hours! Let us go!"

"Don't you think we have over stayed our welcome Urahara." 'The situation must have been desperate if Kurosaki's female friend was trying to find a way to leave.' Nemu thought.

"But you guys never come to visit."

"Because you keep us caged in here like animals you bastard!"

"Oh Kurosaki you wound me." Ichigo stood up quickly and planted his foot on Urahara's face.

"That's a wound! Now let us leave!" The shop owner sat up holding his nose as rivulets of blood streamed down from it. Nemu, using a soft tissue, turned to the former captain and dabbed at his nose gently, before pushing his head up and using a small cloth to contain the bleeding.

"You even display kindness Nemu. Are you sure May-chan produced you?"

"I am quite sure he did and you should be more careful Urahara, you don't want to end up in the hospital like Mayuri-sama."

"May-chan's in the hospital?"

"Yes, there was an unfortunate accident and Mayuri-sama was burned severely. He will be fine in a few days though." Nemu placed the cloth in Urahara's hand and returned to her spot at the table.

"He deserved it." The Quincy at the opposite end of the table adjusted his glasses and frowned. "Probably was experimenting on someone."

"That's mean Ishida." Orihime admonished and turned to Nemu. "Would he like some visitors?"

"I do not-"

"Good then we'll visit him tomorrow."

"But I-" Nemu tried again, only to be interrupted once more

"Shouldn't we bring a gift or something." It was one of the few times that Nemu had heard the gentle giant in the corner of the room speak.

"Great idea Chad."

"I'm not going." Ishida deadpanned, but no one was paying attention so his comment went unnoticed.

"Orihime we don't have time-"

"It will be only for an hour Ichigo. No more I promise." Ichigo stood up and ran his fingers through his spiky hair.

"Orihime-"

"Half an hour." Once Orihime's eyes became large and tear filled, Ichigo knew he had lost the argument.

"Fine, but we all have to go. That includes you Ishida." So maybe someone did hear him.

"Not going."

"Dammit, we are all going. Orihime wants us to go, so we are going. Anyone who wants to object to that, take it up with Orihime's puppy dog eyes." No one said a thing.

"So we all agree?" Various forms of yes filtered through the crowd.

"Good then I guess we'll leave early tomorrow.

"I'll have to get something for May-chan too." Urahara said happily, his bloody nose miraculously gone.

"Don't give him anything weird. And stop calling him that, it sounds creepy."

"Sorry Saki-chan." Ichigo's hand made a fist and it collided with Urahara's head.

"Stop acting stupid! You're worse than Goatface." Urahara twitched on the floor and smiled.

"Today has been such a wonderful day. Please feel free to visit me again."

"Yeah whatever." Ichigo said as he along with Nemu and his friends exited the front of the shop.

It had been a few hours since the 11th division had left his room and oddly enough Mayuri missed the company. They weren't the smartest bunch, but their presence had been enjoyable. Mind you, the painful stab wound he received from Zaraki was not one of the enjoyable moments, but he could overlook that for the time being. Mayuri looked lazily at the table that housed Yachiru's slob infused candy and picked up the napkin. Taking a few of the small pieces of sugar, he popped them into his mouth and began to chew quickly. Seconds later he grimaced and spit the chewed candy into another napkin. He never was the one for sweet things, maybe he would give the rest to Rin when he returned to his division. No need to let the girl know that he disliked her gift; after all she went through so much trouble. Placing the napkin of candy back on the bed table, Mayuri leaned back onto the bed and cursed the cotton hospital gown that barely covered his body.

"I'm hanging out of everywhere." Mayuri murmured to himself as he got out of bed to adjust the gown. After pulling and tugging at various parts of the garment, Mayuri turned to get back into bed; this was also the time when Unohana decided to enter his room with his dinner. A cool blast of air lifted the gown and Mayuri turned quickly to hide his indecent display.

"That was an unexpected welcome." Unohana smiled politely as she watched an uncomfortable look cross Mayuri's face, which was quickly followed by a clearing of his throat.

"I am sure it was nothing that you have not seen before."

"True. So in other words you don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Exactly." Unohana nodded and handed the tray off to the scientist.

"Did you enjoy your visitors today. I thought that you would like some company."

"They were annoying as usual. If they happen to come again please show them up, I enjoy a good laugh."

"I am sure you do." Unohana said softly and left the room with a short wave.

Dinner at the Kurosaki household was what one would call an unusual experience. One that Nemu hoped to never take part in again. She would have to ask her father about detoxifying her body when he was released; Ichigo had been spraying bug repellant all throughout dinner, but oddly enough, there were no pests to be found. Nemu did notice, however, that Ichigo only sprayed the poisonous mist when his father was within one meter of his being, an area Ichigo referred to as personal space. Nemu watched the mist drop lightly onto the surrounding furniture and an empty place setting.

"Is that safe?" Yuzu and Karin looked up only to give a positive answer before going back to their dinner. Nemu didn't look convinced and Ichigo muttered out,

"It hasn't killed him yet. I'm starting to think the bastard can't die." Nemu looked on blankly and continued eating until Ichigo broke her musing, "So what are you doing here?" A small piece of cabbage was shoved into Ichigo's mouth as he waited for an answer.

"I am replacing Kuchiki for the time being. She should return tonight." Nemu lifted the small bowl of rice and put some into her mouth. Maybe it was due to a miscalculation, but Nemu could have sworn that every few minutes Isshin seemed to move closer and closer to her side of the table. That along with the sexual gyrating of his pelvis and the flicking of his tongue made Nemu very uneasy. She looked around nervously and whispered to Ichigo, "Is he always like this?"

"Yep. He probably thinks we're dating or something. Don't look him in the eye and if he touches you, try to cause him as much pain as possible without killing him."

"Isn't that a bit..."

"Harsh. Yeah but it's the only way you'll make it out of his with your mind in tact." While the two were whispering Isshin shimmied up to the table and sat between the two.

"You know Ichi if you want a little alone time with uh... what's your name again?"

"Nemu."

"Yeah if you want some... Owww." That was Ichigo's hand smashing his father's face into the table. "Ichigo... you cause your old man so much hurt. I just want to give you and your lady friend-"

"Shut up! We're not dating-"

"Oh one night stands-" Ichigo's eyes flashed red and he growled before breaking his dishes over his father's head.

"We're not doing that either, you perv!"

"Have you at least felt her up son?" Isshin wiggled his eyebrows and grinned at his son.

"I've had it! Let's go!" Ichigo pulled Nemu from the table and led her up to his room. "Don't disturb us."

"Isn't that statement fueling his impure thoughts of us?" Nemu asked as she was dragged up the steps.

"Doesn't matter. Come on."

"Ichigo don't forget to use protection. We don't need any baby Ichi's running around here."

"Shut up!" 'Please return promptly Kuchiki.' Nemu thought before she was dragged into the room and the door closed behind her.

"You know brother, if you wanted to spend some quality time with me, all you had to do was ask. You really didn't have to blow up half the mansion."

"The mansion can be rebuilt, but my pride cannot. I would not be able to face the other captains if they knew I was asking to see my younger sister because... I missed her. They would think me some whining child. Besides it allows me to put a more reinforced structure up. The Shinigami Women's Association has broken through my defenses one too many times and it is becoming quite bothersome."

"Okay." Rukia eyed her brother oddly.

"But enough of that, we must continue with the list of activities that I have prepared for for our enjoyment. I told the Captain-Commander that the building details should take a day or so and that all personal affairs should be completed by that time."

"But brother we have done so much already. Save some of it for another time, please." The 'please' was stated with desperation. Because of today's activities, Rukia never wanted to see a tea ceremony, ballet, or play ever again. They we're all boring, but her brother wanted some family time, so she didn't complain. Throughout all of the events, Rukia constantly thought of ways to escape and even attempted a few. Trying to climb through the window of the bathroom during the ballet had earned her a hard stare from her brother and a look of disapproval. 'How the hell had he gotten in the Women's restroom anyway?' Trying to sneak out of the play while Byakuya looked for seats in the arena, gifted her crushed hands, due to the passerby's feet as they trampled by. So Rukia watched the play with bandaged fingers and her brother's strong grip on her shinigami robes. The tea ceremony, well let's just say she would be applying burn ointment to some not so happy places. She should have known better than to hold the teapot so close to her chest. Now here they were, outside of the gate that led to the living...standing there. Rukia for one was ready to go and bring an ending to this day of hell, but refused to leave until her brother dismissed her. She didn't need him taking her to etiquette classes, so she could have another day of disasters.

"Did you enjoy our time together today?"

"Of course."

"Are you sure? You were trying to leave every event with every opportunity. I am not so sure-"

"I enjoyed everything. The escape attempts were me just trying to bring a little unexpected excitement to our day."

"Good then." Looking at the sundial beside the gate, the noble adjusted his robes and addressed his adoptive sister. "You may leave if you wish." That seemed a little rushed. No long and drawn out expression of goodbye. There was something going on. As a matter of fact, throughout the day something had been nagging at the back of her head; where was he sleeping. Being a noble, her brother was one of the more finickier people in Soul Society and with his mansion burned to a crisp, she doubted he would be sleeping at one of the high class 'shabby for royalty' as he called them,hotels around town. He was so obsessive about his sleeping arrangements that she remembered him burning down the last hotel they were forced to stay in due to a mission on the outskirts of town. He said something about 'Not letting another person of royalty go through the discomfort of sleeping on sheets with a thread count of less than nine hundred'.

"Brother, whose residence will you be sleeping at tonight? I heard that Captain Ukitake-"

"The 11th division." Kuchiki said quickly and cleared his throat.

"Excuse me? When did Captain Ukitake join the 11th division."

"He hasn't. Zaraki has been so kind as to offer his bed until the mansion has been rebuilt."

"What are the thread counts on his sheets?"

"One thousand. I supplied him with some."

"Awkward... are you sleeping with him?"

"What would make you think that?"

"Just a thought." At that moment Zaraki decided to appear behind the 6th division captain.

"We still on for tonight? I got rid of the brat...Hey there." Zaraki looked down at the noble and then back at Rukia. "Wrong time?"

"Yes."

"Are you serious? You lied! How did this-"

"I actually never lied, I just refused to answer your question. You should go back to the world of the living now."

"Hey don't try to get rid of me-"

"I enjoyed our time today, but you have a duty to fulfill and I do not wish to keep you from it any longer."

"Yeah you are about to have an even better time f-"

"Sucking. I left her sucking a lollipop. Bless the soul of the poor bastard who has to deal with her when she goes hyper. Oh well. If I know my math, we got two hours before the squad brings 'Chiru back due to injuries. I want to try the handcuff thing tonight." Byakuya placed his fingertips on his head and sighed.

"Zaraki, I will be there momentarily. Please prepare everything." Rukia watched open mouthed as the big man smiled and flash stepped off.

"You-"

"We are going over fighting strategies."

"With handcuffs?"

"You are probing."

"Bet I won't be the only one tonight."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?"

"Not really, but I know you do, so I'm leaving." Rukia stepped on the platform and the gate opened.

"Bye Sister." Rukia waved and flashed a smile, her mischievous nature taking over.

"So that's why you have been so calm as of late. He must be banging you pretty good."

"Rukia-!" But before he could finish Rukia stepped through the gate to the living world.

When Rukia slipped into the room through the window, Nemu and Ichigo were playing some video game. Ichigo wore a frown of concentration and Nemu looked at the television screen blankly, her fingers rushing over the controller. A frustrated yell escaped Ichigo and he threw his controller to the floor. 'Winning streak continued, battle number eighty-two.' The game announced as if it were bored, but in actuality the game sound was beginning to warp from the constant repetition of the phrase.

"How about you give me a chance Nemu. Just a small one."

"But I did. I let you injure me until half of my life remained and then I applied a handicap to myself." Ichigo growled and took the game out of the gaming system.

"Let's try something else." Ichigo searched through a box of games and pulled out one of his favorites. "How about this-"

"I have already completed the game you hold in your hands. I finished it with vice-captain Kusajishi during one of my babysitting days." Ichigo picked up another game.

"This one-"

"Completed, Captain Ukitake and I."

"This-"

"Comple-"

"Fine." Hearing the small girl come through the window, Nemu turned to face Rukia and got up to leave.

"There has been no suspicious activity or Hollow appearances during my time here. Though I have enjoyed myself playing games with Kurosaki, I think it is time for me to take my leave. If there is nothing further, I will be on my way." Rukia shook her head and Nemu leaped through the window and into the darkness. Rukia watched her run off and then turned to Ichigo.

"I have some news you will not believe."

Nemu walked up to the small shop and greeted Urahara at the door.

"You didn't even need the gigai."

"You are correct."

"Well I guess you'll be leaving now." Nemu nodded quickly and waited for the man to open the gate to Soul Society. "I suggest you hurry, the 4th division doesn't accept visitors after a certain time."

"Thank you." Nemu replied and stepped through the gate.

Upon crossing to the other side, Nemu was met with the 11th and 6th divisions' captains exchanging kisses. The two men were startled out of their current kiss and Nemu simply bowed leaving the two men to their activities. Watching the young woman walk down the street, Byakuya sighed and pulled away from the taller man.

"Perhaps we should find some place more private."

"What, ya' don't like the excitement of getting caught?"

"No, not particularly."

"You take all the fun out of this relationship ya' know."

"You know I could always go sleep over at Ukit-"

"Hell no."

"It would only be for a few days."

"I said no. You are supposed to be stayin' with me. My place is better anyway."

"Your jealousy is ruining the mood."

"I'm not- damn it Kuchiki. What kind of spell do you have on me?" Byakuya smiled and pulled the man closer.

"I truly do not know." 'But are you sure that you are the one that is truly bewitched or is it I.' Byakuya thought to himself as he followed the rough captain to his barracks.

Nemu raced to the 4th division and entered the building just as the nurse was placing the 'No Visitors' sign on the door.

"I need to see-"

"Sorry Ma'am. Maybe tomorrow."

"But-"

"Tomorrow."

"Yes. I will return tomorrow." Nemu exited the office and started back toward her division. As Nemu walked down the street, the light in room 293 clicked off and the curtains closed.

HM: Well here's the end to another chapter. Hope you guys went hoarse from laughing so hard. You probably didn't, but maybe I'll get you next time. So leave me some reviews and keep an eye out for the next chapter. (Sniff) I think it's time to switch out my sausages they are starting to smell bad. Oh you heard that. I guess that answers your question then. Bye.


	5. Unexpected Ryoka and a Strike

HM: I'm back and I have started to use a new medium for my Mayuri sculpture. Sugar cubes. They don't smell and I don't have to worry about them spoiling on me. But over the past few days I have been noticing that Mayuri's side profile has become less and less prominent. I wonder. So let's get to it shall we. Here's the next part and as always laugh until you can't breathe. And to keep the lawyers off my back, I don't own Bleach or any of it's characters.

'I will get to see Mayuri-sama today. All I have to do...' There was a lapse in Nemu's thoughts as her eyes slid shut and she slowly began to fall asleep. No one said staying up through the night was easy, but Nemu was attempting the feat and currently she was losing. She immediately jerked herself awake and looked at the clock. "Only thirty minutes..." Another jerk and Nemu stood up to walk around her bedroom. She looked at the clock again. "Fifteen more..." Opening her eyes, Nemu never knew that her dresser could feel so comfortable. She pulled her face away from the polished wood and wiped the drool, that had began to collect, off her jaw. Moving to sit on the bed, Nemu pulled one of her pillows into her lap and rested her chin on it. She had reached the end, all she had to do was remain awake a little longer. "I must stay... Only five more..." Nemu didn't finish her sentence as she succumbed to her tiredness and let her body fall heavily against the plush bed beneath her. Well so much for that.

'The stupid girl was doing this to spite him, but may whatever she believed in help her when he got out of this damn hospital. Two days and the little wretch hadn't even come to see him. Not to pick up orders, not to do anything. She probably wasn't even making an effort, knowing her she was lazing about because he wasn't there to keep her on task. The lazy little heifer. How could Zaraki and his goons get here before his own daughter. He would make a good example out of her when he got back...' Due to his internal rant, Mayuri didn't hear Unohana knock on the door softly and after a few seconds, incessantly, open the door (when she figured she was not going to get an answer), close it angrily, drop his breakfast biscuit on the floor out of uncharacteristic spite, smash it with her foot because she felt he deserved it, pick it up, put it back on his tray and hand him his morning meal as if none of the biscuit smashing had ever happened. I guess that was all in a day's work. Pulling up a chair to the side of her patient's bed, Unohana greeted the musing captain.

"Why the frown Captain?"

"It is nothing."

You seem-"

"I said it is nothing." Unohana accepted the answer and put the tray of food down in front of Mayuri, making sure to dust the flattened bread. Mayuri looked at the tray's contents and rolled his eyes. "Is there nothing else? The bread looks as if it has been stepped on and the miso soup looks cloudy."

"That's how the soup is supposed-"

"Do you think I'm stupid? What the hell are those people in the kitchen doing, throwing things together until they look edible. I was fooled yesterday because I was hungry, but I'll be damned if you you're going to make me eat that today.

"There's nothing-"

"And I saw you step on my biscuit too, I wasn't thinking that hard."

"I was hoping that you didn't notice."

"Even if I didn't notice you drop it, I am pretty sure the filth laden shoe print across the top would have given it away." Unohana ignored the scientist and picked up the tray.

"Since nothing here satisfies your refined palate, perhaps you should have Nemu bring you something when she arrives."

"That is all fine and well, but I require nourishment now."

"Maybe you should have thought about that before you made your comments. Maybe the lunch menu would better suit your tastes."

"But what about now."

"As I said lunch might be better for you, so I shall return then."

"So I am to starve until then?"

"It would seem so." Patting his leg lightly she got up and left the room. Mayuri stared at the door, making sure that Unohana was not pulling some kind of prank, and waited for her to re-enter his room. When ten minutes passed and she showed no signs of returning, Mayuri growled with frustration and threw a pillow at the door. 'I really hate this place.'

Stretching fully, Nemu opened her eyes and looked at the clock. A little before noon. She would definitely be able to see Mayuri-sama today. She even cleared her schedule to make sure nothing popped up unexpectedly. Too bad order defying zanpakutos were not on her schedule, as she would soon learn. Pulling herself from the bed and into her morning routine, Nemu prepared for the day. When she had finished, Nemu exited her quarters, only to find Matsumoto waiting at the entrance to her room. Bowing politely to the big breasted woman, Nemu closed her bedroom door and waited for Matsumoto to speak.

"You know, Haineko can be such a brat sometimes, but this time she really pushed it too far. You see, I was training with my captain-"

"You were training?"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I do more than shop, drink and lounge around. I work too you know."

"My apologies, we seem to have different opinions of work. I will ask Mayuri-sama to expand my knowledge of this area. It seems that procrastination, flirting and sleeping has been added to the definition of work without my knowledge." Matsumoto stared at Nemu, wondering if she was trying to be sarcastic, but knew that Nemu was being completely serious when she saw her pull out a small computer dictionary.

"There is no need for that. Put it away."

"But I have-"

"Put it away Nemu." Nemu nodded and put the small dictionary back into the sash around her waist. 'This girl is almost as bad as her captain, she pulls things out of nowhere.' Matsumoto mused before flopping down in a nearby chair.

"I apologize for my interruption, please continue."

Yeah, yeah, whatever. But back to what I was saying...training with the captain...oh yeah...so to counter my captain's attack I tried to use my bankai, but my blade never transformed. I thought Haineko was just being stubborn, but then Captain Hitsuguya's blade didn't respond either, so I knew there had to be a problem. So blah, blah, blah and all that boring stuff...I talked to a few people around town and they said they were having problems with their zanpakuto too-"

"That is most unfortunate, but how exactly does this story explain your presence here."

"Oh I was getting to that. So I went to talk to Yama-ji and he said to try and coax the spirit out. But I was in one of my lazy moods, so I offered him your name instead. I thought that you would probably be able to fix my zanpakuto." Removing the sword and sheath from her waist, Matsumoto handed Nemu the items. Nemu placed the sword and sheath on a small side table and waited for Matsumoto to exit so she could do the same.

"Well aren't you gonna start on it?"

"I will begin the minute-"

"Oh I forgot to tell you. The Captain-Commander says that this is an important matter, so you need to begin as soon as possible."

"It is only one sword-"

"That's another thing I forgot to tell you. What am I going to do with myself, I completely overlook the valuable information when retelling a story. But yeah, old man Yama has instructed everyone to bring their swords to you for study. He says to tell you that he wants a detailed report by the evening."

"But there are hundreds of swords. It will take all-"

"I know. It must really suck being so smart and all."

"But-"

"Well see ya Nemu."

"Where are you going?"

"Out drinking of course. I brought my sword, no need for me to be here, so I'll see you when you're finished. Bye bye." Matsumoto skipped down the hall and out the door, leaving Nemu behind with a stubborn sword and frenzied knocks at her division's door.

"Hi there Miss, we're here to see Captain Kurotsuchi." Orihime announced to the nurse (Nakamura) behind the desk. Her eyes started to glaze over once again, but before Nakamura could start her story of fear and her offers of spiritual protection, Unohana sent her to lunch.

"What-"

"She really needed her break." Changing the subject, Unohana smiled at the group of teenagers and motioned them down the nearest corridor. "Kurotsuchi you say, how unexpected. He should be happy to see you all, he has been bored with nothing to do and often complains about not having any visitors."

"We know that's a lie."

"Though his exterior may say differently Ishida, Mayuri Kurotsuchi is still a man who enjoys the company of others. As a matter of fact I have found that his conversation is quite pleasant, even if a little blunt at times."

"I'll take your word for it." Unohana smiled at the Quincy softly and started toward Mayuri's room. On the way to their destination, Unohana steadily shifted her eyes to the group's only female companion. Unohana's curiosity piqued, as she wondered what possible reason the young girl had for carrying the circular floatation device through the hospital halls. She was about to inquire about it's significance, until she saw Ichigo shake his head. Deciding to follow Ichigo's silent warning, Unohana withheld her questions and led the group up to the door, leaving them there. Going back toward her office, Unohana chuckled to herself. 'That will be a most interesting visit.'

Wearing a baby tee with a picture of Kon embroidered on the front, white track pants and a pair of brightly colored running sneakers, Orihime pushed open the metal door yelling some made up song about being healthy and washing your hands after using the bathroom. What that had to do with him being in he hospital he didn't know, but he guessed it would become important later. After singing her infantile song of healthy habits, Orihime ran over to Mayuri's bed and hopped onto the lower portion without so much as a thought.

"We're here to see you Kurotsuchi- oh wow you look so different!" The others were less ecstatic, but smiled nonetheless or in Ishida's case, growled. Mayuri on the other hand nearly had heart failure. He grasped his chest, looking at the group with surprise. Who invited Kurosaki and his bunch of minions. They were all there, even that damn Quincy. Mayuri stared at the group awkwardly for a moment before pressing the button on the small hospital remote and waiting for a response.

"Yes Captain Kurotsuchi."

"I require security in my room, I seem to have intruders. They have come to kill me while I recover." Unohana sighed on the other end.

"They are visitors Kurotsuchi." Mayuri looked at the 'visitors' as if he didn't believe Unohana's words. Kurosaki showed no intention of harming him, the girl he could let pass for obvious reasons and the big boy in the back didn't seem like much of a threat, but that Quincy was eying him something serious.

"Then can you dispose of the Quincy, I don't trust him. I guess that's what happens when you kill off an entire race of people, leaving a father and his angry little son to pass on the Quincy legacy, you never know when they'll come back for revenge" Ishida grit his teeth and lunged for the man on the bed. Chad grabbed him by the back of his jacket and pulled him back toward the group.

"I didn't want to come you jerk. Whatever happened to you should have been worse."

"Can't get any worse than that fashion sense of yours boy."

"See Uryu, I told you that shirt looked weird. It has all that frilly stuff on it. You should just give it to Orihime when we get home."

"Shut up Kurosaki." Ichigo ignored Ishida and turned back to Kurotsuchi on the bed. "When we saw Nemu she told us you were in the hospital, Orihime wanted to drop by to make sure you were OK. You know how she is, all caring and the like. So we each brought you a little something. I guess our visit will keep you from staring at these walls all day." Mayuri placed the hospital remote back on his table and turned on his side, fluffing his pillow as if he were about to go to sleep.

"I didn't want visitors."

"See what did I tell you! The ungrateful son of a bitch!"

"He doesn't mean it. He just has to keep up that tough exterior of his."

"No, I meant it."

"Of course you di-"

"I did." Orihime's head drooped, a small defeated sigh escaping her lips. 'Good, now maybe they will leave.' Oddly enough all the males in the room shuffled back toward the door and covered their heads, Kurosaki even going as far as to anoint each of his friends' heads with some oil mixture. "What's the matter with you peons? I haven't done anything-" Mayuri's sentence was cut short as he suddenly witnessed a red aura engulf Orihime and a dangerous glint appear in her eyes. Mayuri had never seen this before, perhaps once he got out of this God forsaken place he would ask the girl to let him do some tests on her, but first he needed to know what was happening and consider protection if needed. "Kurosaki could I have-?"

"I'm not coming over there. You're on your own. I can send a prayer from over here, probably won't help much though."

"Could you at least throw me the bottle?" Too busy trying to persuade the spiritual contents away from Ichigo, Mayuri didn't notice Orihime erecting her shield until it was too late. Moving her arms in one swift pushing motion, Orihime flattened the science captain to his bed. No one reacted when Orihime placed two fingers up, causing the shield to double in it's weight.

"We all came here to visit you so you wouldn't feel lonely-"

"But...I'm not...lon-"

"I'm not finished yet." Orihime raised another finger, tripling the weight.

"Sorry." Mayuri squeezed out.

"We came because we thought you could use some visitors, but you have been rude and unpleasant from the moment we entered this room. I understand that you are not in the most joyous mood, but you will be happy with our presence here and accept our gifts wholeheartedly. You will not complain and if you do it will be out of joking will. Do you understand?" Can you say a jaw hitting the floor or at least that's where his jaw would have been if the bed weren't stopping it from getting there.

"Yes." The heavy shield lightened steadily until it completely disappeared and the red aura dissipated, leaving Orihime as her bubbly overly energetic self.

"What happened? I just had a dream that I was dancing with fairies and picking cheese flowers. I never knew they tasted so good with crackers... Why is everyone looking at me like that, did I do something wrong?" No one answered and Orihime smiled brightly. "Are we playing the emergency game again, you know where you have to cover your head so nothing will hit it?"

"Uhh yeah...and uh you won. Congratulations." Ichigo said as he picked himself up the floor.

"Yay. What did I win?"

"You can give Captain Kurotsuchi your gift first." Orihime beamed with happiness while ruffling through her bag. After dumping out the majority of its contents, Orihime finally pulled out a pink bowl with an opaque cover on top of it, shoving it towards the man in the bed. Chad and Ishida had already moved from the corner to a nearby table, hoping to see the man's reaction to his gift; there had been no good ones as of yet.

"Here. I brought you some lunch. Nemu told me that you like pike fish, so I made you a pike fish stew. It's an Orihime Special, which means I put my blood, sweat and tears into it."

"Be careful she might be saying that in the literal sense."

"What Ichigo?"

"Nothing." Orihime went back to her bag and pulled out a plastic spoon, handing it over to the captain.

"If you haven't had lunch you should try some. If you're worried about onions, I made sure not to add any. Nemu said that you really didn't like them."

"Thank you." Mayuri took the bowl from the girl and turned to place it on his night table. Ichigo shook his head.

"That's code for try some now. She was trying to be nice." Orihime nodded in agreement. Pulling the bowl into his lap, Mayuri pulled the cover off and looked inside. 'Would it be rude to give this back.' was the only thing that entered his mind as he looked up into Orihime's smiling face.

"Doesn't it look delicious?" 'Hell no.' Mayuri looked down at the stew again, using this time to take in its appearance. What could possibly color the broth of said stew a bright shade of purple, he couldn't tell you or what did she add that had given the stew the consistency of motor oil, the hell if he knew. The pike was present in the form of thick bite sized pieces, but why were there moving tentacles that broke the surface ever so often? If there was octopus in this shouldn't it be dead? Using the spoon to move several ingredients around, Mayuri spotted something that looked like peanut butter, but was it? A few vegetables, and what looked to be the skeleton of some other small fish, intermingled with the other ingredients to produce this caustic brew that the Inoue girl referred to as stew. No matter how much he degraded the kitchen staff downstairs, if they brought him garbage with a side of sewer water at that very moment, he would have eaten it. Mayuri pulled the plastic spoon from the stew, or at least he tried too, the bottom of the spoon was gone.

"Oh that happens all the time. Don't worry about it. I have a ceramic one here." Orihime handed the spoon over, a large smile still on her face.

"Uhh thank you, but I think I'll try it later."

"That's rude Kurotsuchi. All that hard work gone to waste. You should be ashamed." Ishida smiled slyly and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "I thought you had better manners."

"Yes just as I thought your father would have produced better looking children. He had to feel guilty to the world for fathering such an ugly little boy."

"Damn you!"

"Ishida calm down." The Quincy grumbled and sat back down at the table beside Chad. Orihime not paying attention to the squabble between the two men, handed Mayuri a napkin and urged him to eat.

"Just have a little." He knew he was going to regret it, from looking at the stew he knew he would regret it in more ways that one. So taking a deep breath, Mayuri plunged the spoon into the stew and placed a spoonful of the concoction into his mouth. He thought Zaraki set him back a few days with the stab wound, but nothing could compare to the hell his body would soon endure. There was no doubt that this one girl would cause him to replace all of his internal organs, they were probably corroding as he sat there. The stuff was horrible, what he would do for Nemu's cooking right now. If she cooked him a good meal when he returned, he would forgive all of her transgressions. Swallowing the 'soup', it burning mercilessly all the way down and not due to the heat, Mayuri gritted his teeth and forced a smile.

"That was great." The smile still frozen in place, Mayuri placed the bowl beside him on the table.

"Then you should eat more." Mayuri's face blanched, as he searched for some excuse as to not cause further damage to his already melting organs.

"I have a very small appetite. I wish to save it for later, so I can savor the deeply complex flavor." Orihime nodded in understanding and smiled brightly.

"I brought you this too." Orihime pulled the flotation ring from behind her back and handed it over to Mayuri. The entire group sweat dropped.

"What is the significance of this? Near drowning is not my reason for being here." Orihime opened her mouth as if to say something, but then quickly closed it in thought.

"I forgot why I brought this. Maybe I'll remember it later." While Orihime thought, Ichigo came up beside her and tossed his gift on the bed.

"Boxers. This is an...intimate gift."

"Don't think too much into it. The hospital gowns we have in the living world have your ass hanging out, so I assumed it would be the same here. No need for awkward situations."

"Trust me I completely understand."

"You already been in an awkward situation?"

"Yes."

"Then they can come in handy for another time." Slapping the pockets on his jacket, Ichigo searched for the gift that Urahara sent to his former subordinate. "Urahara sent ya' something too. Hope the sick bastard thought of some that wouldn't be banned for small children. The freak." In one of his pockets, Ichigo pulled out a transparent object in the form of a three dimensional hexagon and tossed it to Mayuri. "He said all you had to do was touch it and it would turn on." Mayuri held the palm sized object in his hand and immediately the holographic face of Urahara popped up. Mayuri frowned and ran his hand through the hologram.

"I do not wish to see the holographic image of my previous captain. His face on common paper would have sufficed, I can not throw scalpels at a hologram and get the same satisfaction as watching the scalpels embed themselves in various parts of his face when drawn on paper."

"Aww May-chan I would have sent you something else if I had known that's how you felt about me." Mayuri dropped the holographic device in surprise and threw a pillow on top of it. "May-chan pick me up. C'mon, this is no way to treat your friend and former captain." Mayuri lifted the pillow and looked at the face of his mentor and rival. "Pick me up, this position is so uncomfortable."

"Hi Urahara, such a nice gift." Orihime said excitedly from the chair she sat in. "It's so unique."

"Only the best for my May-chan."

"Stop calling me that."

"Oh don't be like that. I can see it in your eyes. You love when I call you that." Mayuri's face turned a shade of crimson and he picked the small hologram up.

"Stop it or I'll put you under the bed."

"Okay, I give. So how do you like it. Nice huh? I can talk to you in real time. It will be like I'm there."

"How exciting."

"You really think so?"

"No."

"I'm constant company and a stimulating conversationalist."

"Where's the off switch?"

"Huh."

"Huh means you can hear."

"I didn't put one on it. You can't just turn people off."

"Damn it, I can try."

"Well before you start tinkering with this little device, to no avail I might add, how about you entertain your guests.

"Trust me, we are entertained." Ichigo voiced from the table.

"Now you're making me look stupid."

"Too late for that."

"I didn't ask for your opinion 'last of his kind'."

"Asshole." Mayuri smirked and placed the hologram on his bedside table.

"Your table's getting a little crowded don't you think. Move me to the left a bit. I can't see."

"Will you always be this irritating?"

"Yep. So Chad what ya got?" Pulling a large decorative bag from underneath the small table, Chad made his way silently over to Mayuri's side.

"I don't know if you'll like them or not, but I felt they might cheer you up. Since I didn't know what to get you I thought about what I would like. I like little cute things, so I decided on these little guys. If you like them you can expand your collection and if not then you can give them away." Chad deposited the large bag on the bed and blushed slightly behind his curtain of hair, his secret finally out. Mayuri opened the bag, pulling out at least fifteen small stuffed animals of varying colors. The animals ranged from a common dog to the extinct dodo bird, but they had one thing in common, they were all extremely cute. Mayuri knew at this moment and when he accepted the toiletries from Ayasegawa, that he would never be considered manly again. As a matter of fact, 'man' and his name would never be in the same sentence...ever. Maybe 'guy' or 'dude' but never 'man'.

"Well aren't those adorable Mayuri. You should put them on display and let everyone see them." Mayuri frowned at the hologram and Urahara sent a cheesy grin back.

"Thank you..."

"Sado-"

"That's Chad." Ichigo again.

"What he said did not sound like 'Chad'."

"Yeah, well we all call him Chad."

"I have given up on trying to correct them. So I guess Chad is okay."

"Chad then." Something was definitely wrong with this group. How was it possible to call someone by a name that wasn't theirs and then make him accept it. The youth these days.

"Hey, now I remember." Orihime blurted out randomly. "I bought it because it was a lifesaver." Mayuri looked at the girl and sighed. 'You have got to be kidding me.' "Yep that's it. The lady said it could save lives, so I bought it. I even had your name put on it so it could know only to help you. Isn't that a neat gift. Your own personal lifesaver. You should be out of here in no time.

"...Thank you?" Orihime was smiling triumphantly to herself and the rest of the room was completely silent. Breaking the uncomfortable silence, Urahara saved the day with one of his charming statements and called attention to the Quincy pulling his gift out of a small bag. As the Quincy walked toward the bed, Mayuri noticed that it was bear, just an ordinary bear...wearing the standard Quincy uniform.

"Here's my little guy. I call him Uryu, after me."

"Nice that you know your name." Ishida ignored the scientist and turned the bear over.

"Since you are a brilliant scientist as you say, I would assume that you know how to read. So if it's not too much trouble, could you please read what is on the cape of this bear." Mayuri slitted his eyes and read the phase in a dull voice.

"I kicked your ass."

"Wow I did, didn't I. This is such a wonderful gift for keeping the memory of me beating you fresh; can't have you forgetting anytime soon can we? Now back to little Uryu here, though I am a master seamster, I do understand that clothes can be destroyed over time or burned by you out of shame, so I added another feature. Press his hand." Mayuri pressed the bear's hand and Uryu's voice filtered out of the bear. 'I am Ishida Uryu and I kicked Kurotsuchi Mayuri's ass.' "The little guy packs a double whammy huh? I stayed up all night making him, but the look on your face is well worth the lost hours of sleep." Mayuri decided to let the boy have his little moment. It couldn't hurt. Taking the bear from the young man, Mayuri examined it as if he were in awe of its construction.

"Hmm what a nice gift Quincy. I was just thinking that if your predecessors would have had half of your intellect, power and sewing skills, maybe they would have been able to escape my labs. I guess they could have come up with a plan to sew a rope so they could throw it out of a window and escape. Where was the needle and thread when they needed it."

"Damn you Kurotsuchi!"

"Don't dish it if you can't take it Quincy."

"You are such an asshole."

"Yes I know.

"When are we leaving? I'm getting tired of talking to him."

"Aww Ishida don't be such a party pooper."

"Shut up Urahara."

"He does have a point. We need to get back to training. Aizen won't defeat himself."

"Aww so we're leaving now?" Orihime whined and propped Mayuri's life saver up on a chair. "I was beginning to enjoy myself."

"Maybe we'll visit some other time Orihime. He needs to rest and we need to get going." Jumping off the bed, Orihime turned to the scientist and waved both arms in an excited form of goodbye. As she and her friends began to shuffle out the door, she yelled back her 'Get Well' message.

"Hope you get better soon. Ishida does too."

"No I don't." Mayuri heard as the girl closed the door. "He can die for all I care." Inside the room Mayuri looked over to the hologram and frowned.

"Don't you have someplace to be or something to do?"

"What, afraid that I'm going to see that you enjoyed yourself."

"No, now go away."

"Your wish is my command, but I'll be back a bit later, oh and tell your daughter I said hello." The hologram disappeared and Mayuri was left alone. 'I will when I finally get to see her'.

Her father's lab was filled with swords of various shapes and sizes, none which were responding to command. Nemu had been working with the swords all morning and still their refusal to respond eluded her. She was so desperate for a solution that she had been reduced to talking to to the steel blades.

"Why are you not obeying the call of your wielders?" The swords remained silent, seriously what more could she expect. "I wish that you could answer me."

"Wow was that a request that wasn't followed by a curse or the clashing of my blade against some other hunk of metal?" Nemu gasped in surprise at the unknown voice, she must have been concentrating too hard.

"Yes..."

"You're not crazy."

"Thank you, I almost doubted myself. Too whom am I speaking?"

"Tobiume."

"Vice-Captain Hinamori's zanpakuto?"

"Yes. It seems they made you do all the dirty work."

"I must agree."

"Well since you actually are trying to help, we decided to give you a hand."

"We?"

"Yes, we." Tobiume turned round indicating the other swords.

"Do this, do that, can't they ask us instead. I'm not some slave you know." A new voice said.

"And your name?"

"Haineko."

"Matsumoto's zanpakuto I presume?"

"You presumed correctly."

"I have spent the majority of my day trying to understand the motives behind such a rebellion; I need to understand why you are not doing as you wielders ask."

"Because they are not asking us, they are telling us. We do all the work and they treat us like garbage. They don't even take care of us like they should. Hey Senbonzakura when was the last time you were sharpened and shined."

"Actually, I was sharpened yesterday morning and buffed shortly there after."

"Then why are you here? This is for swords that are mistreated."

"Oh... I guess I'll go back to my wielder then. I wish you success in your endeavors."

"Yeah whatever. He's so freaking spoiled, why couldn't I get his wielder."

"I should take my leave also, I was interested in the occurring events and neglected to understand that I did not belong here as well."

"Hyourinmaru, you too?"

"I am afraid so."

"Damn them both." Nemu cleared her throat and waited for the attention of the swords.

"If these are your concerns why do you not state your wishes?"

"They never listen." A new voice.

"I am sorry, but what do you wish for me to do?"

"Tell them we're going on strike. We are not being treated fairly and we want them to know it." Sode no Shirai voiced calmly.

"Do you really mean that?"

"No."

"Oh."

"You're a dull one. Hell yes girl, we mean it. We have feelings too and we are going to let them know how we feel. Isn't that right everybody." Haineko again. All the zanpakuto cheered and quieted down as Sode no Shirai spoke.

"Tell them we will do nothing until our demands are met."

"Is there nothing-"

"That is all." Nemu sighed as she left the lab and slowly made her way to the Captain-Commander's residence. After all, what was the rush, she wouldn't be seeing her captain today anyway.

"Matsumoto get a move on it."

"Do we have to go? I hate hospital visits."

"It would seem only right. Kurotsuchi's lieutenant was supposed to go see him today and since you so easily offered her name to the Captain-Commander to get out of doing your own work, I felt that you should take her place."

"But Captain-"

"No more arguing Matsumoto. And didn't you promise Yachiru as well?"

"Yes, but I didn't think anyone would hold me to it. Could you just go for me and give Captain Kurotsuchi my gift. I'll do my paperwork as soon as you're back." Ahhh that offer sounded so tempting, too bad Hitsuguya knew it was a lie. Hollows and shinigami would become friends and frolic gayly through fields of wildflowers before Matsumoto would ever consider doing paperwork.

"No."

"But Captain, he doesn't like me."

"Well I suggest you stay on his good side then."

"Captain..."

"Matsumoto stop whining." Crossing her arms over her ample chest, Matsumoto pouted and kicked the sofa next to her, knowing that she had lost this battle.

"Gather your gift so that we may leave."

"I already have them." Looking at the gifts in her hands, Hitsuguya frowned.

"You should have gotten better gifts than that.

"He'll like them. All the other guys I give them to love them. Why put in any effort when you know what's a winner."

"Fine. Let's go then."

At some point during the day, Mayuri requested a small desk to be brought in. Frankly he was tired of laying in bed and wasting away to nothing. He always wondered how people could sit around all day and do nothing. Piled high on the desk were new experiments to be considered and some of 4th division's paper work. Unohana felt that if he wanted something to do he could always finish signing the gigantic stack of resignation papers he produced. It had been hours and Mayuri didn't see the end of the papers. He made a mental note to behave more appropriately should he ever have to return to this hellish place, the paperwork was not worth the gratification of scaring a few nurses. At the completion of his current stack, he heard a knock on his door and winced as he thought of another hand full of resignation papers being placed on the desk, this seemed to be the pattern for the past few hours. Expecting some nurse to set the papers on his desk and leave, he was surprised to see the small captain of the 10th division and his lazy vice-captain step through the door. Mayuri stared at the woman next to the young captain, a deep scowl replacing his once calm features. Of all people why did this woman have to show up. Removing his glasses from his face, Mayuri turned all his attention to his visitors

"And to what do I owe this visit?"

"Captain Kurotsuchi we have come to see how you were fairing after your unfortunate accident, at least this is the reason for my being here; Matsumoto is here because she promised Yachiru that she would come to visit you."

"You came willingly Matsumoto?"

"No, he made me," Matsumoto said while digging her index finger into the top of her captain's head."And the only reason I gave in to Yachiru was because she wouldn't stop whining." 'Uncouth little hussy.' Mayuri rolled his eyes and went back to his paperwork, even that was more interesting than talking to the annoying woman standing in front of him. Hitsuguya elbowed his lieutenant in the ribs and pushed her forward, making the lieutenant bump into the desk. Mayuri pulled his eyes from the paperwork once again to look at the busty blond before him. He never was fond of her. Too lazy for his liking and she filled Nemu's head with idiotic questions about boyfriends and living happily ever after and copulation. Such ridiculous nonsense, all of it. As far as he was concerned, Nemu wasn't getting married until she was dead or her suitor killed him, as for the concept of happily ever after, Nemu needed to get a strong grip on reality and take a big girl pill because life was not a Disney movie. Sex and children, completely out of the question, the thought of Nemu's offspring running around was enough to make him worried, Nemu was already useless, so why would he need more useless beings surrounding him. Like this one before him.

"Yes?"

"So how ya feeling?"

"However you feel after almost being burned to death."

"Oh, well I don't know how that feels so...yeah. Uh so how's the weather?"

"Well let me look out the window." Mayuri angled his neck and stared out the large square window in the far corner of his room. "It's sunset and getting darker as we speak. It has been sunny all day and there was a five percent chance of rain." Matsumoto fidgeted on her feet, shuffling between them nervously.

"So what are you doing?"

"Paperwork."

" ...Gosh you're hard to talk to."

"I'm sorry if my IQ is not the level at which a squirrel can be comfortable."

"Are you trying to call me stupid?"

"Not at all."

"I think you are." Hitsuguya already knowing the dislike Captain Kurotsuchi held toward his vice-captain, interrupted the two before the situation could get any worse. Pulling Matsumoto back toward himself, Hitsuguya offered his gift to the irritable captain.

"Captain Kurotsuchi, it is good news to hear that you are feeling better. I didn't know what you liked, so I settled for this. It was most unusual and I thought it suited you." Hitsuguya carefully placed a crystal replica of a chemistry set on the desk. The small graduated beakers were filled with small colored beads of blown glass, each color representing some unknown liquid that would normally fill such things. A small crystal flask rested atop a intricately designed Bunsen burner flame, the flame seeming to dance as the 12th division captain turned the delicate gift.

"What a beautiful piece of work. I thank you for giving me such a thoughtful gift. I will display it as soon as I am able." Hitsuguya exhaled softly, happy that the man enjoyed the gift. No need for him to end up next to Matsumoto in a nameless jar.

"Matsumoto could you please give...?"

"You just showed me up. I have nothing that compares to what you got him."

"I told you to get another gift, but you insisted on yours."

"But..."

"The gift does not matter, it is the thought that counts." Mayuri sighed internally, if Matsumoto's gift was based on thought he didn't expect much. Maybe some lewd magazine or a bottle of sake. It wouldn't get any better than that.

"We have to hurry, you have paperwork to complete." Matsumoto whined about the paperwork and put a picture and a pretty bottle of sake on the desk. He didn't know what the situation was in the picture, but he swore that if he ever saw a picture of Nemu bare from the waist up and surrounded by men, he would make sure she lived to regret it.

"This is a picture of your breasts and various men groping them."

"All the guys love this picture. I give them a copy when I think they are handsome. You don't look bad today so my record is still good."

"So I assume drinking the sake while looking at the picture will make your breasts more enticing to the eyes."

"You got it!" Taking a small cup and filling it with some of the sake, Mayuri picked the cup up and drained it in one swallow. Waiting a minute or so Mayuri looked back to the picture and then to the lieutenant.

"It's not working."

"Well maybe you need to drink more."

"I don't drink, I just thought that this would be a good experiment. It was a failure."

"Hey!"

"You sound offended." Matsumoto rolled her eyes.

"Since you don't drink, you could always give the sake back. I mean I wouldn't want it to go to waste or anything." Matsumoto looked at the captain, eyes full of hope and tongue running across her lips in anticipation, maybe something good would come out of this visit after all. He dashed her hope like waves during a thunderstorm on jagged rocks.

"I will keep it, thank you. I might find an experiment to use it in."

"Are you keeping the picture too?"

"Yes that may come in handy as well."

"See Captain I told you the gifts were OK." Mayuri shook his head and put his glasses back on.

"I am sorry that I will not be able to spend more time with you, but as you can see I have an enormous amount of work that needs to be completed. If you could see yourselves out I would greatly appreciate it."

"I understand, I hope your health returns as soon as possible."

"Yeah what he said. Bye." 'Lazy hag couldn't even say her own goodbye.' Matsumoto waved as Hitsuguya pushed his vice-captain out the door and closed it behind him. Mayuri turned to looked over his desk, only to find a brand new stack of resignation papers. 'How on earth did these get here.' Nakamura stood outside of the door and smiled. She was well on her way to recovery.

When Nemu told the Captain-Commander the situation, a hell butterfly was sent out immediately to all the squads and zanpakuto owners. The result was a massive general meeting that took place in the middle of the square. Many of the zanpakuto had materialized into their human forms and they looked none to happy. Hours passed, along with a few fist fights and a very deadly attack from Hisagi's zanpakuto that resulted in three destroyed buildings, before an agreement was reached between the wielders and their zanpakuto. Nemu sighed with relief, but was unhappy that the process had taken all day. Nemu looked at the sky and sighed again. The visiting hours were long past over, so Nemu settled for walking back to her barracks once again without seeing her captain.

"What are your thoughts? You seem to have something weighing heavily on your mind."

"That foolish girl has not shown up for two days. Nemu never disobeys my orders."

"Are you worried?"

"Don't be silly. Worried? Why would you ever think such a preposterous-?"

"The fact that you have chewed on that pen so much that ink is dribbling down your chin and that you have mentioned her forty-seven times in the past hour is what makes me think that." Mayuri grabbed a towel, dragging it across the lower part of his face, smearing the blue ink, and turned back toward the hologram.

"I have not mentioned-."

"Yes you have, I counted."

"Her whereabouts concern me."

"You mean she concerns you."

"You twist my words."

"If you're worried, then you're worried and if you miss her, all you have to do is say so."

"There is something about your personalty that I have always disliked. Perhaps you are too carefree and sentimental."

"No, it is the fact that I can understanding you when no one else can, even on a few occasions when you don't want me too. Like now. It's okay to miss her."

"I do n-"

"Yes you do."

"I do not."

"Yeah ya do."

"Such an unpleasant man." Mayuri said before pushing the hologram onto the floor and pulling the covers over his shoulders.

"Doesn't change the fact."

"Go away."

"I'm not sleepy yet. C'mon stay up with me. And pick me up."

"Goodnight Urahara."

"May-chan-"

"Urahara!"

"Fine, but I'll be waiting for you in the morning."

"Yes, yes, now disappear." The hologram shut off and Mayuri leaned back against the pillows, his eyes closing in thought. 'I hope nothing has happened to that stupid girl.'

And another chapter is completed. Yea hope you guys enjoyed it, but you know I may discontinue this one because it seems that no one is really interested in it. There is no need to continue writing if no one wants to read it right? So here's hoping you guys want another chapter.

Read and Review.


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